Try Harder so you can Fail

"If you aren't failing, you aren't trying hard enough."

What the Crap kind of motivation is that?! I don't need to TRY to fail. I could write a book on how to successfully fail, but where would that get me?

For the first time I read this quote and got so irritated and a little offended. I've heard this quote before and lately I've been hearing it a lot. On tv, other blog posts, and many other pseudo inspirational media. I'm not attacking people trying to be inspirational, I'm attacking this very idea that you have to measure your success by your failures.

That's like making the loser feel better by calling them "1st Runner Up"

or trying to ease the crying of the ugly girl by saying that they have a great personality and that's all you need.

Runner up is just a fancy name for loser, being ugly will give you a lot of lonely nights, failing is failing. In every case the loser just isn't quite there yet.

You have to fail before you succeed yes.

But frankly I'm sick and tired of failing and I don't want to feel like I have to keep failing in order to be a success somewhere. I've failed at everything it seems like, and I think it's about freaking time I get some success! And I don't want to have to fail AGAIN to do that!

Why can't I just work hard and succeed? Why can't I just focus, do it right and not fail? Why do I have to try harder if failure is supposedly success?!

But who am I to talk. The girl with a million excuses about why she didn't turn in her work (a million great excuses I might add), or trying to take the short cut on everything, who tries to get better at sports by not practicing...

All I'm trying to say is, that quote is that last thing I want to hear while I'm facing my latest business endeavor. Failure is not an option this time, and I don't want some quote telling me that it's not only ok to fail, but that it means I must be "trying really hard!" Come on. Don't try to sugar coat failure.

It Sucks.

Because in my world failure doesn't equal hard work, failure is laying down and letting life happen while you watch it fly by like an idiot. And I'm not going to let it happen to me again.

With God and the internet all things are possible.

Emotional Pins and Needles

Do you know what it feels like to be sitting on pins and needles?

One time in high school I walked into my history class, senior year, and went to my normal seat I sat in every day. Threw my backpack on the floor like I always did, and plopped down in my seat while still talking to my friend like usual. Only to be unpleasantly STABBED by a seat full of Thumbtacks!

Who does that!!!!!

Needless to say I shot out of my chair at LIGHTNING SPEED! And had to pick out the remaining tacks from my rump. And the pain was over.

Easy solution for actual pins and needles, but emotional pins and needles are much worse because frankly, you can't just bounce off the chair.

KP (the boyfriend) and I were texting each other the other night as I was going to bed. And unusually I was the one that was ready to say goodbye. But he had a surprise.

"I got some bad news at work this week ;-/" WHAT?

"They announced that a lot of positions are moving to Chicago..."

Freaking FANTASTIC!!!!

"We're supposed to find out next week if we are going in the first 'wave'"

Don't forget that I JUST moved back to California from being on the east coast for 3 years, and being in a long distance relationship for 3 YEARS. And now that I'm finally settling into a routine of being home, working during the week and driving the hour it takes to see him on the weekends, he "might" be moving to Chicago.

I fully believe that they will choose to transfer him for a number of reasons that aren't exciting enough to post. But as far as I am concerned I know they already know who's going and I just wish they would just tell me so I can stop sitting uncomfortably on these pins and needles, wondering, anticipating, and analyzing every possible scenario, from whether I'll end up moving to Chicago too, or if I'll have to be a SERIAL LONG DISTANCE DATER!

WHACK!

I always tell people "Life Happens." I really hate that saying now.

Maybe he won't have to move. Maybe we can live happily ever after. Maybe we'll live in the same CITY before we get married. (Don't worry marriage isn't even on the table right now. Obviously.)

With God (and I think this has nothing to do with the internet) all things are possible!

Sharing Intimate Moments with a Pimple

I'm gazing affectionately at Boyfriend, lying on my back, as he hovers over me, fiercly focused on my face, studying it intently. How romantic, he's trying to memorize every curve of my face *smile*...

He reaches down to touch my face and stops with his fingers on my forehead and says...

"I've gotta get this pimple!"

...

Gee thanks.

He proceeds to "get the sucker"

That's not the first time this has happened. And stop thinking that I must have bad acne, because that's not the case. The worst it usually gets are those mini annoying skin colored pimples that never turn white, but beg for you to scratch them off.

I am in the process of convincing myself that it's just his excuse to touch my face. It's not like I mind, he does a great job and it's to my benefit to have my own extractionist.

It just stinks when you're having an intimate moment with someone and they are accepting a personal challenge with the pimple on your face!

Only solution. Clean my face! Then maybe I can get him to stroke my cheek affectionately while gazing into my eyes...Yeah, maybe in my BEST dream!

It could happen! Because with God (and in most cases the internet) all things are possible.

Oh man he's lucky I love him like crazy!

Marshmallow Meltdown

Mental meltdown to the extreme today.

Sorry mom.

I don't think a lot of my friends get it. I tell them I'm living at home and they look at me with envy and say, "I would do that in a minute."

Really?

Then they all launch into how they would live at home and stack and save their money. That's great. You're willing to sacrifice your freedom, independence and everything that comes with adulthood for money...

Maybe that's the problem. I've NEVER been money motivated. My dad offered to pay me, by the 1/2 hour, one summer for practicing basketball. I think I made $20. I've tried network marketing and couldn't envision the endless supply of residual income at the cost of losing a year of my life to build a business. I've turned jobs down with good pay, and lived on a budget of $14 a week for food. I'm just not willing to sacrifice myself for money.

I think that's why living with my parents is so tough. And it's not totally their fault. They've been pretty respectful of me and my things, even though I've made quite the mess a few times with all of my sewing stuff and I'm sure it's harder for them to have this "intruder" living in their house after all these years of being alone, than it is for me to give up my personal space and be able to live near my family again.

I'm probably selfish. But I can't figure out how to adjust. I just freaked out at my mom for mixing 3 stale marshmallows with a bag of new marshmallows...seriously. I had tears in my eyes.

Who does that?!

ME

I just want to be able to live here peacefully until I have the means to live somewhere else. Which if I'm serious about starting this business, and I am, I'm going to have to stick it out and take a chill pill when I don't get my way. It's not my house and I finally have to freedom to start a business.

Lord knows how long it'll take...

But with God and the internet I will make it possible!

Wasting Hotness in High School

I straightened my mane of curly hair tonight, and I look fantastic! Minus the ichy hives from God knows what covering my face, chest and arms...(another story for another day.)

Who knew I had thick, black hair, red carpet ready and down to my waist that flows behind me like Pocahontas.

My first thought after seeing my reflection in the mirror..."If only I looked like this in high school."

This isn't a new thought. Almost everytime I've had a "hot" day since high school graduation I've said that to myself, or something along those lines. And I imagine all the boys I thought were cute who never gave me a second look, and wish I could see their faces when they saw me looking like a bombshell!

I'M 26!!!!

So I consider this fantasy a little pathetic. And at some point I'm going to have to get over being the not hot girl from high school, because I have this fear that I'm going to be that mother who does who does everything to make her daughter the prettiest one in school because she never was.

Now let's not get confused. My complex is not because I wasn't cool or had low self esteem, and was some outcasted reject. On the contrary. My role in high school was very necessary, 3 sport varsity athlete, league champion in tennis, 2nd team all league in basketball, triple jump record in track, in all 4 high school musicals, on the honor roll, and was homecoming queen senior year...

But I never had a boyfriend, was never asked out on a date, barely even asked to school dances, and it's possible that 1 boy liked me for a couple weeks my junior year. I had a bus load full of guy friends who saw me as "One of the guys" which for the record NO girl wants to be unless she likes girls. I like boys.

And although I had SO SO much going for me in high school I wanted to be THAT GIRL. You know the one. The one who all the guys wanted, who they all talked about when they were with each other, the one they all scrambled to ask to the dance. The one who all the girls wanted to be.

I thought that being pretty would do all that for me.

I just needed a new set of eyes.

When I went to college I became THAT GIRL. (If only for a season.) And I realized it wasn't my looks. But I'd become a different, confident person, which made me feel pretty.

So when I have these thoughts now, about how I wish they could see me now. It's only because I know that who I am now is irresistible to them! And I kinda want to SHOVE that in their faces!

A mean thought, but I'm sure God agrees. And with the modern day internet this IS possible haha!!

And for the record...I'm glad I didn't waste my hottness in High School. It has so much more use now!

Slapped by Digital Relationships

There are many things that really bother me (yes, you read that right. I get annoyed easily.) And during this weekend one of them showed up with a vengeance.

The annoyance this weekend comes from fellow bloggers and social media sights where people put their entire relationship of display for the entire world to see. Now in all honesty I don't hate that people do that. I read those posts faster than Paris Hilton throws away a dollar bill. I love that ish!

My problem is that all these girls make me feel super crappy about my relationship with my boyfriend! Only because the only pictures and stories these girls, and sometimes guys, show and tell are the awesome romantic extravaganza's they go on with their significant other, linked to pictures of them kissing and smiling and cuddling under the sunset. Day after day after day posting how much in love they are with their boy/girlfriend.

Now let's be clear. My boyfriend is phenomenal, he's smart, talented, focused, fiercely loyal, trustworthy, considerate, and gorgeous on top of it, and there's no one else I'd rather be with, but come on he's human and so am I. We don't go on amazing adventures every weekend, take cute pictures at every event we go too, or post lovey dovey comments on each others facebook page for the world to see. Sometimes we don't even call each other for a couple days, we do boring things most of the time and even disagree with each other.

Which I think is normal, but when I double click on Google Chrome and start to read about everyone else's delightful days in relationship paradise it feels like a digital slap in the face and now my relationship feels inadequate. All based on relationships between people I've never seen!!!

And what get's on my nerves even more is that these same people that post all this stuff are the ones saying "I am 100% "me" every time my fingers hit the key board. What you read online about me is exactly what goes on in my real life." BULL*&^# and whatever.

Yea that might be true if you didn't edit yourself with a pen made of Pride and Ego. All of the bad stuff gets conquered by "delete" before you publish anything, and end up making people like me get all depressed.

I wish I could be more upset with people like this but like I said I can't take my eyes off of it. And if people didn't post all the sappy crap what would I aspire too?

I would love to make the world jealous of my life, but that's too hard of a task to maintain. I just wish people would be more forthright and real about their relationships. Because leaving out all the dirt is really discouraging and uninspiring.

So here's to more dirt! With God, and definitely the internet, this is possible!

Head First and Blind

Better news, better news. Today is not the day to be cynical. It's Sunday for crying out loud! By law I'm suppose to rest and be positive! Well it's not actually Sunday anymore, I've just left this screen open on my desk top for 3 days now...

Seems to me that I'm jumping head first and hoping the net appears, or at least a substantial body of water, or trampoline, so that it won't hurt too bad when I hit the bottom upon landing. Since I've turned down the job offer from Nordstrom, I've found inspiration holding hands with my potential while driving down highway 101.

Because, Dun dun nuh nuhhhhh...I'm starting my own business! WHAT! I know I know! Loud, little, halfrican girls are suppose to sit around trying to figure out how to tame their hair with man made products, not start a business while living at home with mom and dad. But I dare to break the mold =)

I finally decided that my multi thousand dollar Fashion Design BS Degree will go to waste no longer. And all of those future dollars I will use to pay off my loan debt, (that I accrued to get that degree,) will be earned by what I learned in the process of spending all that money! Fashion Design! Well not completely fashion, but at least the tote bag part of fashion...

I am going to make bags!

Imagine the "joy" on my parents faces when I told them that's why I respectfully declined my job offer...

HAHAHA! Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I think my purpose on earth is to make you nervous.

Well I am really excited about it, and I've got my over achieving sister on board with me to help me with the business end of things (when there is a business end to things) and my dreamy boyfriend is almost convinced that he wants to build me a website.

My mama even offered to help me sew, but when I told her she'd have to sew in straight lines, because people will have to trade their money for these bags, she looked at me helplessly, then said excitedly "Not being good at things makes life really easy!" In other words, she's glad that she can't sew a straight line because now she doesn't have to help me. Yay for her! (There really needs to be a sarcasm font.)

Anyway, I'm setting out to be the most successful company making handmade, one of a kind, tote bags for all of the world...With God (& the internet) this has got to be possible!

Battling Difference

I'm not writing on my computer. I'm not using my trusty Artist Edition laptop with the funky designs on the outside that makes me feel creative. I'm not in "my" room. And I don't like how the keys on this keyboard are raised so high that my fingers are scared of getting a severe cramp.

This is my metaphorical way of saying that I'm not good with new experiences/change/different. Ironically one of my top strengths is Adaptibility. I can't adapt to small changes. Major changes I can handle; Fire=a few fake tears and I'm over it; Abrupt move across the country=2 distracting jobs and I don't miss a thing; Being a lease holder to an apartment with a stream of flaky roommates=calmed down with a prayer.

On the other hand, not being able to find my black boots in my boxes=STRESSED, choosing a place to meet an old friend to eat=STRESSED, typing on a new key board=STRESSED.

I even went on my first job interview since I've been back in California. I got the job. Don't want the job. Don't want to work. Don't know what I want to do. Don't want to decline the job offer, because who does this in this economy? Aren't we all scrambling to stay employed? Isn't there an influx of overqualified candidates for entry level jobs? I might be crazy. Well I am crazy, I've always known that. I just can't figure out how to deal with it.

I want to start my own business but I can't because it's scary. I'm thinking of hiring a personal hand holder to guide me through everything in life that makes me anxious or nervous. Someone to encourage me when I have an idea for something and don't know what steps to take next. I need to hire someone to pat my head like a puppy and say "Shhhhh..." when I start to freak out over something silly, or sit next to me and sympathetically stare at me when my fingers start to cramp when I'm using high keyboard keys.

And I'd even give them a nice little bonus if that hand holder would look me in the eye and tell me, taking risks IN life is great and that I'm doing a good job at that, but that it wouldn't hurt to take a few risks in MY life.

Well, it makes sense to me.

I've called myself a risk taker in the past mainly because I didn't think very often, and when I did it was about fairy's, handsome prince's with horses and babies. Somewhere along the line someone convinced me to start thinking and now I'm scared of everything.

But I'll get back to those days when high keys won't make my pretty little fingers tremble, because with God (and the internet) all things are possible.

Re-Uniting with my Potential

I don't have the lack of talent problem. I'm one of the lucky ones who's been blessed with the ability to do and love doing many many things. That's one of the perks of living in my world. There isn't much that intimidates me and there isn't much that I am unable to do.

That is my problem.

I've spent 26 years now as the girl with so much POTENTIAL! I've heard from numerous people throughout my life tell me "Punky, I can't wait to see where you end up." or "You're the person who I'd really like to catch up with in 10 years to see what you are doing and where you are." Because they all saw this showstopper waiting to burst onto the scene once the real world became my play ground.

Ironically I was waiting to burst onto the scene too. Except I had the "one day" syndrome. You know the one. Like: One day I am going to have an AMAZING job. One day I am going to be a singer. One day I am going to have a job where I have to wear heels. One day I will win a Grammy and cry during my acceptance speech, while I thank God and my good friends and inspiration Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey...One day. That'll be a great day!

It never occured to me that to get to that day I had to actually DO something to get there! I just figured my potential would hop on a plane and catch up to me and Poof I'd be set. My potential must've tried to find me at one point, but got frusterated along the way when I kept moving around from job to job! Probably between 2005-2008. It was a busy time =)

So now I'm at the point where I need to sit down with my Po* and have a conversation about traveling together in the future. I think we'd be a good team and could "potentially" make a positive footprint on this side of eternity.

But considering the neglect I've shown her the past few years it will take some coaxing to get Po back on my team. Who knew Po had feelings? Or a busy schedule for that matter!

So that's my quest for the week. But I believe me and Po will reunite in the end and create something this world has never imagined, because I have God and the Internet on my side! And with those ALL things are possible!

*I got tired of writing "Potential" so I gave her a new name. I hope that didn't confuse you!

Coming Back Full Circle--Homeless in SF

This week I am a 26 year old, full time, live in nanny.

Next week I will be a hip New Yorker, hitting the corner deli for a hot cajun turkey sub, with pepperjack, on a hero.

The week after that I will be homeless in San Francisco...again. That city just seems to bring the homeless out of me.

The last time I lived there I left with literally NOTHING.

It was my Super Senior year in college. 5 years of hard work and the ups and downs that many college students have to endure. Being independent, living on your own for the first time, breaking away from the parents, having your sports team cut during budget cuts because California (the WORLD'S 5th largest economy) can't manage their money, and neither can your University, and testing the waters of your first serious relationship with the cute boy from the wrestling team after very little success with every other sports team...Sorry, digressing is in my nature.

It's April of 2006, 2 months until graduation which means final deadlines are coming up. I am the head of 4 major Pass or Fail class projects that are all imperitive to my getting a degree, an end of the year fashion show which I have entered a swimwear line and individual look (my caution and danger tape outfit I spoke of in the first blog.) My parent's had just left for South Africa because my mother was playing in the Tennis World Cup, and Easter was right around the corner.

And much to my surprise after coming home from my churches Easter musical I find my house BURNED down...

Apparently there was an electical malfunction in my room that the arson report deems as "not my fault" in so many words, that left my room in ashes, every appliance in the kitchen melted, major smoke damage done to my roommates things, and the incredibly putrid stench that lingered around the property for weeks. Not to mention that the heavenly Chicken Enchiladas I had made before we left were totally fried. Need I say that I had nothing left?

The night it happened my not yet boyfriend was with me and seemed a little more shaken up about it than I was. And with my parents out of the country for the first time in my life, my sister not answering her phone, and my best friend thinking that she was dreaming when I told her, I settled on calling my sisters ex-boyfriend from high school, 12 years her ex. Who couldn't actually do anything for me, but I wanted somebody to care. So I slept at my friend Shannon's house and all we could do was laugh about all the stuff that BURNED! Not PC I know but what could I do. My life was literally in ashes.

All 4 of the projects I was leading were on my toasted computer. My entire swimwear line for the fashion show, which was in two weeks, was completely destroyed, along with my brand new barely used sewing machine. As well as a few projects I couldn't get myself to start from scratch and do all over again, so instead of turning in nothing I turned in pictures of my fire and labeled those parts of my scorched room where the semester long projects used to lie. My teachers were sympathetic, Thank God, and one even told me that was the best excuse they'd heard in 25 years of teaching. Sweet.

So for 2 months I had no where to go and a lot of work to do in order to graduate. I remember one time I was in my car (which had turned into my mobile home) I had to go to the bathroom really bad and didn't know what to do. I had no home to go to and couldn't find parking at school, so I drove to a near by mall to use the restroom inside...

This was the last time I lived in San Francisco. Leaving there was the easiest move of my life to say the least. I only had myself, and some clothes that some friends had donated to me after they found out about my latest adventure with destruction.

So although I am coming back with more than a suitcase I am still coming back almost the way I left. Jobless, homeless, and with a degree I should put to use...

I guess life really does come full circle. At least this time I have a hot ex-wrestling turned aifcraft engineer boyfriend to keep me company =D

With God and the internet I can find a job and a home?!

Cover Letter screams HIRE ME!!!

You know what stinks about Cover Letters or Letters of "Interest?" You can't be honest. This is what I wish I could write in my cover letters.

Dear Company,

Hire me. I need a damn JOB!

Best

Punky

Instead I have to be all cordial and formal. And if they are human they probably don't read them all anyway. And if they do their jobs like the rest of America, the only thing they'd really need to have to know if I am qualified or not is a picture. Preferably one head shot and one full body. Thanks.

Dear Company,

I'm qualified for the position your hiring for. But I'd rather not get into it right now because I have to apply to 10 other jobs today if I want to get hired by Christmas.

Thanks for you time,

Punky

Personally my resume makes me look like an idiot. I started working when I was 14 and have had every job under the sun. Happy Hollow Kids Park and Zoo, American Eagle, SFSU Assistant Spirit Coordinator, Tennis Teacher, Intern for Goorin Bros, Chelsea Piers "Youth Sports Director", High end Boutique-Retail, Family Assistant, Nanny, Gymnastics Instructor, Birthday Party Coordinator, oh yeah and I was a Fashion major who wants to be a Singer and a Writer...Which is why I'm applying to be a Pole Dancing Instructor at your studio...

Dear Company,

You'd be a fool to pass me up! Every place I've held a job still keeps me on payroll in hopes that I'll come back. When I walk into work the temperature changes and the world becomes a much happier place. I encourage my co-workers to not be lazy, sneaky losers and to stop checking their facebook during work hours while I effectively mulit-task. Why wouldn't you want me to work for you?

We'll be in touch!

Punky

My sister on the other hand was sent to this earth to get any job she wanted. A principle once told my parents that when she walks in the room you feel like you need to "stand at attention and salute." Which is nothing short of the absolute truth. She can talk to anyone from the President of the United States to the Garbage man and get whatever she wants from them. (I still don't understand where all of those genes were hiding when it was my turn to choose. And I will wonder until the day I meet Jesus.) Her cover letter should say (and what I wish mine meant)...

Dear Company,

I'm phenomenal at everything I do. I am the perfect wife and mother and anything I touch in your company will turn to GOLD. You will promote me in the midst of the worst economic hardship you will see in your lifetime and will lay some workers off in order to do it. Because without me what will you be? Yes, I'm that good. Don't question me because you'll be sorry that you did. As a general rule, I'm always right.

Yours,

Punky's Sister

I think it's time I think about opening my own business...

Because with God and a little help from the internet, even a successful Punky is possible...right?

I used to WHINE about success

There was a time (about a half an hour ago) where I used to get very bitter about being 25 and not doing what I wanted with my life. I've always known what I wanted to do, but I'm quite the dreamer and my ambitions were never to be a teacher, counselor, criminal or any of those other attainable jobs that other kids dream about.

I wanted to be a SINGER, WRITER and MOTHER! Well the last one is easy with the help of a broken condom, missed birth control, and a willing, or unknowing, partner. (Don't worry I would never do that, I'm the sweet little Christian conservative girl that you pray your daughter would end up like.) I was never concerned about that one, or rushed for that matter. It was the first two that depressed me to no end.

I must've blanked before college because for reasons I still struggle to justify, I chose to be a fashion design major. No, I don't regret my decision. I just wonder why no one thought that that was weird and told me:

"Punky. You're suppose to major in something that you want a career in. Not something you just want to learn how to do."

In my defense I was really good. I awarded myself 'The most innovative' and 'biggest risk taker' in class. Due to the fact that my senior year I ran out of money still had to eat and pay rent and had no money to buy fabric for my final. So I called up my buddy and had him bring me some old t-shirts so I could make the gauchos and sweater I'd created a pattern for out of them. I didn't only earn my own accolades, I did win the "Most Creative" award for a little get up I made out of Caution tape, Danger tape and Duct tape. And was known for making shorts reminiscent of underwear...

But I spent my entire childhood addicted to my karaoke machine and filling up journal after journal. By the time I hit college I had over 14 journals, hundreds of poems and songs, and scrap paper, receipts, napkins anything you could write on, filled with words. Sometimes I'm blind to the obvious.

After college now armed with my "Bachelor of Science in Apparel Design and Merchandising" (Yes, it is considered a Science at SFSU. Don't bring it up to my Electrical Engineering boyfriend who got a Bachelor of Arts degree. 3 years later he still can't come to terms with it. I digress)

Anyhow, now armed with my new fashion degree, the only jobs I wanted to apply for were writing jobs or somewhere in the non fashion entertainment world. Music. But I didn't qualify for any jobs like that with a fashion degree.

Now 3 years out of college and anywhere from 7-10 unsatisfying jobs later the LIGHTBULB went on!

Eff getting paid to sing and write. I can do all of that via the internet. No editors, No record labels, No creative boundaries...

No money either...

But that's not what it's about anyway. Right? =)

So tonight as I got out of the shower I decided it was time to do what I've always wanted to do. Sing and Write.

If you enjoy please stay and read. If not...Tell someone how you read this awful blog and that they should read it too so you can both talk about how painful it was to get to the end =)

Until my next urg to pound the keys...

Remember With God and a little help from the internet ALL things are possible!

Punky