Battling Difference

I'm not writing on my computer. I'm not using my trusty Artist Edition laptop with the funky designs on the outside that makes me feel creative. I'm not in "my" room. And I don't like how the keys on this keyboard are raised so high that my fingers are scared of getting a severe cramp.

This is my metaphorical way of saying that I'm not good with new experiences/change/different. Ironically one of my top strengths is Adaptibility. I can't adapt to small changes. Major changes I can handle; Fire=a few fake tears and I'm over it; Abrupt move across the country=2 distracting jobs and I don't miss a thing; Being a lease holder to an apartment with a stream of flaky roommates=calmed down with a prayer.

On the other hand, not being able to find my black boots in my boxes=STRESSED, choosing a place to meet an old friend to eat=STRESSED, typing on a new key board=STRESSED.

I even went on my first job interview since I've been back in California. I got the job. Don't want the job. Don't want to work. Don't know what I want to do. Don't want to decline the job offer, because who does this in this economy? Aren't we all scrambling to stay employed? Isn't there an influx of overqualified candidates for entry level jobs? I might be crazy. Well I am crazy, I've always known that. I just can't figure out how to deal with it.

I want to start my own business but I can't because it's scary. I'm thinking of hiring a personal hand holder to guide me through everything in life that makes me anxious or nervous. Someone to encourage me when I have an idea for something and don't know what steps to take next. I need to hire someone to pat my head like a puppy and say "Shhhhh..." when I start to freak out over something silly, or sit next to me and sympathetically stare at me when my fingers start to cramp when I'm using high keyboard keys.

And I'd even give them a nice little bonus if that hand holder would look me in the eye and tell me, taking risks IN life is great and that I'm doing a good job at that, but that it wouldn't hurt to take a few risks in MY life.

Well, it makes sense to me.

I've called myself a risk taker in the past mainly because I didn't think very often, and when I did it was about fairy's, handsome prince's with horses and babies. Somewhere along the line someone convinced me to start thinking and now I'm scared of everything.

But I'll get back to those days when high keys won't make my pretty little fingers tremble, because with God (and the internet) all things are possible.