Cover Letter screams HIRE ME!!!

You know what stinks about Cover Letters or Letters of "Interest?" You can't be honest. This is what I wish I could write in my cover letters.

Dear Company,

Hire me. I need a damn JOB!

Best

Punky

Instead I have to be all cordial and formal. And if they are human they probably don't read them all anyway. And if they do their jobs like the rest of America, the only thing they'd really need to have to know if I am qualified or not is a picture. Preferably one head shot and one full body. Thanks.

Dear Company,

I'm qualified for the position your hiring for. But I'd rather not get into it right now because I have to apply to 10 other jobs today if I want to get hired by Christmas.

Thanks for you time,

Punky

Personally my resume makes me look like an idiot. I started working when I was 14 and have had every job under the sun. Happy Hollow Kids Park and Zoo, American Eagle, SFSU Assistant Spirit Coordinator, Tennis Teacher, Intern for Goorin Bros, Chelsea Piers "Youth Sports Director", High end Boutique-Retail, Family Assistant, Nanny, Gymnastics Instructor, Birthday Party Coordinator, oh yeah and I was a Fashion major who wants to be a Singer and a Writer...Which is why I'm applying to be a Pole Dancing Instructor at your studio...

Dear Company,

You'd be a fool to pass me up! Every place I've held a job still keeps me on payroll in hopes that I'll come back. When I walk into work the temperature changes and the world becomes a much happier place. I encourage my co-workers to not be lazy, sneaky losers and to stop checking their facebook during work hours while I effectively mulit-task. Why wouldn't you want me to work for you?

We'll be in touch!

Punky

My sister on the other hand was sent to this earth to get any job she wanted. A principle once told my parents that when she walks in the room you feel like you need to "stand at attention and salute." Which is nothing short of the absolute truth. She can talk to anyone from the President of the United States to the Garbage man and get whatever she wants from them. (I still don't understand where all of those genes were hiding when it was my turn to choose. And I will wonder until the day I meet Jesus.) Her cover letter should say (and what I wish mine meant)...

Dear Company,

I'm phenomenal at everything I do. I am the perfect wife and mother and anything I touch in your company will turn to GOLD. You will promote me in the midst of the worst economic hardship you will see in your lifetime and will lay some workers off in order to do it. Because without me what will you be? Yes, I'm that good. Don't question me because you'll be sorry that you did. As a general rule, I'm always right.

Yours,

Punky's Sister

I think it's time I think about opening my own business...

Because with God and a little help from the internet, even a successful Punky is possible...right?