About Me

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Twenty something trying to figure it all out, knowing all along I never will.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Battling Difference

I'm not writing on my computer. I'm not using my trusty Artist Edition laptop with the funky designs on the outside that makes me feel creative. I'm not in "my" room. And I don't like how the keys on this keyboard are raised so high that my fingers are scared of getting a severe cramp.

This is my metaphorical way of saying that I'm not good with new experiences/change/different. Ironically one of my top strengths is Adaptibility. I can't adapt to small changes. Major changes I can handle; Fire=a few fake tears and I'm over it; Abrupt move across the country=2 distracting jobs and I don't miss a thing; Being a lease holder to an apartment with a stream of flaky roommates=calmed down with a prayer.

On the other hand, not being able to find my black boots in my boxes=STRESSED, choosing a place to meet an old friend to eat=STRESSED, typing on a new key board=STRESSED.

I even went on my first job interview since I've been back in California. I got the job. Don't want the job. Don't want to work. Don't know what I want to do. Don't want to decline the job offer, because who does this in this economy? Aren't we all scrambling to stay employed? Isn't there an influx of overqualified candidates for entry level jobs? I might be crazy. Well I am crazy, I've always known that. I just can't figure out how to deal with it.

I want to start my own business but I can't because it's scary. I'm thinking of hiring a personal hand holder to guide me through everything in life that makes me anxious or nervous. Someone to encourage me when I have an idea for something and don't know what steps to take next. I need to hire someone to pat my head like a puppy and say "Shhhhh..." when I start to freak out over something silly, or sit next to me and sympathetically stare at me when my fingers start to cramp when I'm using high keyboard keys.

And I'd even give them a nice little bonus if that hand holder would look me in the eye and tell me, taking risks IN life is great and that I'm doing a good job at that, but that it wouldn't hurt to take a few risks in MY life.

Well, it makes sense to me.

I've called myself a risk taker in the past mainly because I didn't think very often, and when I did it was about fairy's, handsome prince's with horses and babies. Somewhere along the line someone convinced me to start thinking and now I'm scared of everything.

But I'll get back to those days when high keys won't make my pretty little fingers tremble, because with God (and the internet) all things are possible.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Re-Uniting with my Potential

I don't have the lack of talent problem. I'm one of the lucky ones who's been blessed with the ability to do and love doing many many things. That's one of the perks of living in my world. There isn't much that intimidates me and there isn't much that I am unable to do.

That is my problem.

I've spent 26 years now as the girl with so much POTENTIAL! I've heard from numerous people throughout my life tell me "Punky, I can't wait to see where you end up." or "You're the person who I'd really like to catch up with in 10 years to see what you are doing and where you are." Because they all saw this showstopper waiting to burst onto the scene once the real world became my play ground.

Ironically I was waiting to burst onto the scene too. Except I had the "one day" syndrome. You know the one. Like: One day I am going to have an AMAZING job. One day I am going to be a singer. One day I am going to have a job where I have to wear heels. One day I will win a Grammy and cry during my acceptance speech, while I thank God and my good friends and inspiration Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey...One day. That'll be a great day!

It never occured to me that to get to that day I had to actually DO something to get there! I just figured my potential would hop on a plane and catch up to me and Poof I'd be set. My potential must've tried to find me at one point, but got frusterated along the way when I kept moving around from job to job! Probably between 2005-2008. It was a busy time =)

So now I'm at the point where I need to sit down with my Po* and have a conversation about traveling together in the future. I think we'd be a good team and could "potentially" make a positive footprint on this side of eternity.

But considering the neglect I've shown her the past few years it will take some coaxing to get Po back on my team. Who knew Po had feelings? Or a busy schedule for that matter!

So that's my quest for the week. But I believe me and Po will reunite in the end and create something this world has never imagined, because I have God and the Internet on my side! And with those ALL things are possible!

*I got tired of writing "Potential" so I gave her a new name. I hope that didn't confuse you!