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Twenty something trying to figure it all out, knowing all along I never will.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Up and Down and into Love-I'm letting you in

I've tried in journals, I've tried in letters, I've tried in Microsoft word, I've tried on a website.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

The story of KP and I has never sounded right when put into words. But I will try again for the sake of Valentines Day and our upcoming 3 year anniversary. So here I go. Again. I hope this all makes sense...

From the moment I entered college I was on the prowl! At the beginning of every year there is an entry in my journal saying "I'm ready Lord, this year I'm ready for a boyfriend. I get it now." Every year I was more mature, and more ready than I thought I'd been the year before. I wanted a BOYFRIEND !

Finally in my 5th year of college, I began the year as always, in my journal. This entry started off the same, but as I began to write about my life and about all that I had to accomplish that year, including to graduate and financially support myself, I found myself writing..."Lord, I don't have time for a boyfriend ! Please don't let me find one this year I have way too much to do and not nearly enough time to dedicate to such an important relationship." I was a little bit frantic because the reality of what it would be like to have a boyfriend was so real . I was practically begging God to keep the boys away!

I'm pretty sure God just laughed at me and carried on with his plan.

Because not a week later was I writing about how cute E's brother KP was. The differences between us were SO obvious and it was very clear to me (and apparently everyone else) that this was going nowhere. But he was cute nonetheless, a genius, athletic, all around DREAMY, with sad green eyes, a perfect smile and the body of a statue...and my roommates were excited about him coming over a couple times a week =) (The things college roommates enable you to do!)

We casually hung out for a couple of months, nothing big, always at my house because I didn't have a car, cooking (correction. Me cooking) or ice cream at cold stone. It was fun, innocent and perfect.

I remember our first kiss being a big debacle because I didn't want to ruin what we had by "taking it there" (yes I was a super prude, but it worked =) and I'm pretty sure there was even discussion about it. haha.

Anyway he'd finally had enough of my nonsense and finally somehow got in there! Our first kiss was the epitome of every cheesy description you've every heard . It was beautiful, magical, and I may have even saw stars =) At least it was for me. I remember thinking that he'd probably never kiss me again!

We continued to hang out and learn more about each other as the months went by. Shortly after our first kiss late one night I was laying in bed after KP and I had exchanged a few texts , and I closed my eyes, and I swear it was the voice of God, I heard loud and clear "He's the one." At that time I knew I had a major crush but didn't think it'd ever be more than that. My eyes SHOT open and I said "Are you sure?!?!" I mean he wasn't even my boyfriend, then I heard it again "Yes, He's the one."

The events that followed in the year after didn't do much to support what I'd heard that night. I was scared to have a relationship with him, for so many reasons. I don't think he was ready either, and things were always stressed between us. But the building relationship and chemistry was undeniable.

Then things became even harder in April, a month before graduation, my house burned down. Everything I owned was gone and I had no where to go. KP offered me everything and anything. He really stood by me. Unfortunately although my feelings were still growing I was still pushing him away.

I graduated in May and things didn't get better that summer. After graduating , having to move back home, no real job, and my relationship woes with KP, I slid into an unwanted depression. During those couple of months we broke up like a real couple (over and over), said I love you like a real couple, although we were not a "real" couple the feelings we had were definitely real. But it felt like my heart was breaking every time I saw him.

I couldn't handle the ups and downs anymore so I decided to make a big change. I moved clear across the country with $1400 to my name. I knew that with me gone we would either grow stronger or fall into a million pieces. At that point I was willing to take the risk.

Best decision I've ever made. Toughest life I've ever lived.

And even though he didn't want me to go, once again KP supported me the whole way through.

After 5 months of being away, and a year and 4 months of dating, we somehow managed to play the same games that we played when I was living at home, but we'd reached a turning point.

Without me knowing, he'd overnighted his heart his heart in a letter . It was amazing, everything you've ever wanted a guy to say to you and really mean. He was saying all that to me in this letter. He really loved me and missed me as much, if not more than I missed him.

Unfortunately I didn't receive this letter until after the gut wrenching talk that we had the night before. And after the things I said I was sure God was going to have to use his best angel to get us back on track.



He did.



I called him the next day, after I read his letter. We were still a little broken from the night before and it was hard for me to get the conversation started. I knew that if I didn't work things out with him now that I may never get another chance.

We decided to make it official that day. Three thousand miles away over the phone.

It's been about 4 1/2 years since we began and nearly 3 years (on the 11th) since that conversation and we are still together, no longer at a distance and growing together more and more each day.

Nobody really understands our relationship, but nobody ever has . I guess you do really find what you need when you aren't looking.

Monday, February 1, 2010

It's yours! Give it to ME!

MINE MINE MINE!!

Does the 3 year old in you ever proudly present itself in your present life? You know when you're making a sandwich and your roommate (in my case, my mother) comes by to borrow the butter knife you took out, and starts to get butter for their toast, and you feel yourself SNATCH it back and yell...

that's MINE!

My internal toddler is about to bare her nasty whine.

Maybe it's me being hyper sensitive but I swear my inner circle is abusing my time. The main problem being that they don't take me starting a business seriously, therefore when I say I'm working, they hear I'm "working."

To the naked eye all anyone can see is me going to the thrift store and cutting up shirts in the back room of my parents house, with no real income and living out of my savings. Doesn't look like much huh? Well I gotta start somewhere.

So lately I've been getting a lot of requests to do things, random things like, babysit, open the garage door, drop off my dry cleaning, etc... all during my work day!

And it's not requested meaning: Can you do this? It's requested meaning: "Here's my dry cleaning. Take it to the one by the gym. Here's $4. That should be enough."

"Here's my baby, I need you to watch her this week."

"I lost my garage door opener. Stop sewing your bag and come open it for me."

WHAT!

I cried last night to KP, and being the engineer that he is, he tried to find and fix the problem. But I couldn't pin point it. All I wanted to say was MINE MINE MINE WHAAAAAAAAHHHH!

I'm living a life that has nothing to do with me.

Ever since I've been home I've scared myself into thinking that I'm burdening everyone by being here. So I've literally run myself ragged trying to make their lives easier.

I don't think it's bad thing to want my own things. Like my own time, my own problems, my own joys. Even poor people have these things.

I want to snatch my life back screaming MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!

With God, the internet and lots of time I can make this happen!