The Impossible 2

 I’d like to add a chapter to the book “Things nobody tells you about” by Nobody. Because nobody wrote it, and I feel like “they” have really left me out to dry here. 

 I could have really used a quick lesson on what it’s really like when you graduate college and get into the real world. And not those lies people tell you about when you’re slaving away on meaningless but ridiculously hard projects like, “Oh my gosh you’re going to make so much money with your degree! Just you wait!”

Waiting...

When I graduated my degree played a major role in getting me a job, I’ll give it that. However, that money part...

But that’s kind of my fault. I live in the most expensive city in the whole world and refuse to leave because I’m obsessed with it. 

I digress.

So here I am almost 15 years after college graduation living a dream that I’ve had to create since my original dream didn’t fall into my lap like I planned.

A really simple basic B dream that all little girls have. I didn’t even skew away and get fancy. 

Get married. (The plan was a Chuck E Cheese reception when I was 8, but I deviated and opted for a beach view)

Have BABIES!!

2 things. That’s it. 

But nobody ever told me that for me that would be a nearly impossible dream

My fantastic husband, who I was ready to marry after 2 months of meeting him, and a full year and a half before I called him boyfriend, is God’s greatest living example of patience.

7 years.

That’s right. 7 years of dating before we finally got married.

And much to his chagrin, I am a dramatically impatient woman. The amount of times I choked out words of misery through sobs because he wouldn’t propose is more than most could handle. Yet here we are. Happily married

C H E C K

Final goal. Babies.

The first month we tried, we were giddy and confident since we both wanted kids! I was counting the 9 months, manually calculating when the baby would be born, locking in all of the things we’d have to reschedule, postpone or hurry up with any vacations that we wanted to go on before the baby, the likely hood of having a boy or a girl based on his family history. Oh the excitement. 

Negative 

It was ok though, google said that it was normal for it to take like 3 months. 

Negative 

But it’s fine because it’s recommended that you try for a year before going to a doctor.

Scratch that.  6 months if you’re over 35.

Negative

Negative

Negative

Don’t worry because there’s SO MUCH science. (Lies. Because they basically know nothing. But that’s for another day) Any way YAY SCIENCE! YAY HOPE!

Hormone treatment - IUI

Negative

Different hormone treatment - IUI

Negative

A lot of the same and different hormone treatments - IUI

Negative

YAY we qualify for IVF! - but lets max out our 6 IUI’s because it’s 30K!!!

Hormone treatments with wildly intense shots - IUI

Negative

More Hormone treatments with more wildly intense shots - IUI

Negative and a bonus cyst

6th IUI CANCELLED

IVF qualification lapsed

6th IUI rescheduled 

6th IUI CANCELLED because, pandemic.

Job loss aka health insurance lost.

IVF a fancy thing of the past.

60 Negatives.

I just listened to Michelle Obama’s podcast last night on women’s health. (Very good by the way, highly recommend.) The doctor casually said “...43, 44, 45 we start going through menopause and...” 

That’s all I heard. 

Maybe I knew at some point that these ages are normal for starting menopause. But it was fine because, oh my gosh that’s so old! I’m going to basically be retired by then or some other dumb stuff I used to say. 

I’m not 43, 44, or 45 yet, but I’m not having a baby. 

Even with God, and the internet. I just don’t have one. And I need to stop trying. 

I still believe all things are possible. Sometimes I just need a new question. Can my life still be as awesome and fulfilling as it could have been with children? I’m going to say “Yes” right now because I need the answer to be a yes right now. 

I’m creating a new dream. I don’t know how it will go because I haven’t been ironing out the details since I was 4 so I’m a little behind. But I think it will be fine. 

Because with God (& the internet) anything is possible