The Impossible 2

 I’d like to add a chapter to the book “Things nobody tells you about” by Nobody. Because nobody wrote it, and I feel like “they” have really left me out to dry here. 

 I could have really used a quick lesson on what it’s really like when you graduate college and get into the real world. And not those lies people tell you about when you’re slaving away on meaningless but ridiculously hard projects like, “Oh my gosh you’re going to make so much money with your degree! Just you wait!”

Waiting...

When I graduated my degree played a major role in getting me a job, I’ll give it that. However, that money part...

But that’s kind of my fault. I live in the most expensive city in the whole world and refuse to leave because I’m obsessed with it. 

I digress.

So here I am almost 15 years after college graduation living a dream that I’ve had to create since my original dream didn’t fall into my lap like I planned.

A really simple basic B dream that all little girls have. I didn’t even skew away and get fancy. 

Get married. (The plan was a Chuck E Cheese reception when I was 8, but I deviated and opted for a beach view)

Have BABIES!!

2 things. That’s it. 

But nobody ever told me that for me that would be a nearly impossible dream

My fantastic husband, who I was ready to marry after 2 months of meeting him, and a full year and a half before I called him boyfriend, is God’s greatest living example of patience.

7 years.

That’s right. 7 years of dating before we finally got married.

And much to his chagrin, I am a dramatically impatient woman. The amount of times I choked out words of misery through sobs because he wouldn’t propose is more than most could handle. Yet here we are. Happily married

C H E C K

Final goal. Babies.

The first month we tried, we were giddy and confident since we both wanted kids! I was counting the 9 months, manually calculating when the baby would be born, locking in all of the things we’d have to reschedule, postpone or hurry up with any vacations that we wanted to go on before the baby, the likely hood of having a boy or a girl based on his family history. Oh the excitement. 

Negative 

It was ok though, google said that it was normal for it to take like 3 months. 

Negative 

But it’s fine because it’s recommended that you try for a year before going to a doctor.

Scratch that.  6 months if you’re over 35.

Negative

Negative

Negative

Don’t worry because there’s SO MUCH science. (Lies. Because they basically know nothing. But that’s for another day) Any way YAY SCIENCE! YAY HOPE!

Hormone treatment - IUI

Negative

Different hormone treatment - IUI

Negative

A lot of the same and different hormone treatments - IUI

Negative

YAY we qualify for IVF! - but lets max out our 6 IUI’s because it’s 30K!!!

Hormone treatments with wildly intense shots - IUI

Negative

More Hormone treatments with more wildly intense shots - IUI

Negative and a bonus cyst

6th IUI CANCELLED

IVF qualification lapsed

6th IUI rescheduled 

6th IUI CANCELLED because, pandemic.

Job loss aka health insurance lost.

IVF a fancy thing of the past.

60 Negatives.

I just listened to Michelle Obama’s podcast last night on women’s health. (Very good by the way, highly recommend.) The doctor casually said “...43, 44, 45 we start going through menopause and...” 

That’s all I heard. 

Maybe I knew at some point that these ages are normal for starting menopause. But it was fine because, oh my gosh that’s so old! I’m going to basically be retired by then or some other dumb stuff I used to say. 

I’m not 43, 44, or 45 yet, but I’m not having a baby. 

Even with God, and the internet. I just don’t have one. And I need to stop trying. 

I still believe all things are possible. Sometimes I just need a new question. Can my life still be as awesome and fulfilling as it could have been with children? I’m going to say “Yes” right now because I need the answer to be a yes right now. 

I’m creating a new dream. I don’t know how it will go because I haven’t been ironing out the details since I was 4 so I’m a little behind. But I think it will be fine. 

Because with God (& the internet) anything is possible 

I'm Short With A Twisted Shirt

A little girl at tennis camp had one of those difficult shirts to put on after swim time.  You know the ones with the loose outer tank top with the fitted tank top underneath, but the tricky part is that they are connected at the shoulders which makes it really hard to figure out once it gets all twisted?

Well she wears those almost everyday and everyday after tennis camp we go swimming, and after swimming she changes back into her shirt.  And everyday she hands her twisted up shirt to me and asks me to fix it.

I do.

She 11.  Could she figure it out herself?

Yes.

Why doesn't she? ...

Because she's a kid.  She doesn't have to figure out things on her own that are difficult.  There is always someone taller, who was born earlier than she was, around to help her out with those frustrating things.  No one likes to see/hear/witness a sad, frustrated child who can't get her shirt right side out.

Sometimes I think I'm a kid, and that taller people, and people who were born before me should help me with things.  Justifiably so.

I'm short.

Like a kid.

That should absolutely count.

When my shirt gets twisted everyday I should be able to hand it over to someone, no questions asked, and they figure it out for me and hand it back.

When I'm frustrated and throwing a tantrum about something, a woman should come and console me.  Then buy me ice cream.

When I get my feelings hurt real bad and I don't understand why someone would want to treat me bad, I should get a special teddy bear to cry into.

I don't think we ever really grow up.  It's all a scam.

We just keep having birthdays and learn that after each one, less people will feel the need to come to your rescue.  And truth be told, we don't always need someone to rescue us.

But every now and then, when things go wrong, someone is mean, or your shirt gets twisted we should be able to hand it off to someone else no questions asked.

Next time someone taller and/or older has a twisted shirt I'm going to fix it for them.  Maybe lift a small burden from their back. Maybe I can help a lot of people with their twisted shirts.

With God (and the internet) all things are possible!

30 Minutes to 30

I have 30 minutes left and I can feel my palms getting sweaty as each minute of my 20's ticks away.  It's been such a long time since a significant birthday that I don't really know how to respond.

3 decades huh.

10 years was exciting.  Pre-teen, double digits, nothing to be stressed about, only golden roads ahead because maybe 10 meant I'd be tall enough for the rollercoasters at the boardwalk!

20 years was slightly disturbing because I couldn't blame all of my lame antics on being a young dumb teenager.  That was easily overcome because I soon realized that the world also thought 20 somethings were young and dumb as well!  Problem solved.

30...

Do people still think we're young and dumb?  Not likely.  Which I find may be slightly unacceptable.

The past few days I've been in a turning 30 funk, like for real.  Nothing people haven't heard before, just the typical,

"OMG I'm not where I wanted to be when I turned 30.  WHAaaaaaaaaaaaah.  I was 'suppose' to be married with kids and a soccer van with snacks in the back BLAH BLAH BLAH."

Instead, No, no husband, no kids, no van and for sure no snacks!  Nothing in the fridge for that matter.  (But there is an entire tray of brownies on my stove.)  But I'm not singing the single and ready to mingle tune.  Or 30 is the new 20.

Because let's be clear.  30 is NOT 20.  My butt, for SURE, is not where is was 10 years ago!  And I now have to stretch before exercising. Not 20.

20 was my time for self discovery, becoming who I am, exploring myself and exploring the world, taking life by the balls and going for broke!

I'm hoping I don't have to do another 10 years of that.  I'm hoping to learn something from 30.  I'm hoping I can be that person that I found in my 20's, really capitalize on what I'm good at, and what I was made for.  I want 30 to teach me how to own where I am in life and how to love who God made me to be and not what I've accomplished "so far."

I think with God (and a teenie bit of help from the internet) this is TOTALLY possible!
.

Handling it is not Possible

God will never give you more than you can handle.

Thats what "they" say.

Well frankly I don't believe it.

Do you recall those nights you spent in the fetal position balling your eyes out trying to distract yourself from the carouse wheel of thoughts going through your mind, replaying terrible conversations, attempting to fight back random outbursts, having unnecessary fights and complete and utter breakdowns, I find it very hard to believe that any of that represents ANY version of "handling" it.


Will you live through this? Yes.

More than likely it won't kill you.

But Is it more than you can handle?  Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

I am not that strong.  (I'm also slightly dramatic...)

I've been in depressing situations before.  I worked for the Devil Wears Prada back in my New York days and thought I'd never be the same after that experience.  Yet somehow the human psyche is resilient and I made it back to myself.

But during that time did I handle it?  No way.  I was angry, I cried, I got depressed, I GOT ZITS!

Now don't get me wrong I don't think God threw me under the bus or anything.  I just feel like maybe that saying is a little off.

Like maybe...

God will never give you more than HE can handle.

Because I can't handle much of anything.  But WITH God...well we all know my stance on that one.

With God (the internet...and lately lots of coffee) ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

From lake water to salt water

Remember what it was like starting your first day of high school?

New school, older kids who already knew a thing or two about the show, feeling like you went from lake water to salt water.

Going from junior high where you ruled the school, established yourself, made friends, dominated in sports and choir, teachers loved you...

You knew everything. Every secret. Every problem. And how to solve them.

I mean it took years to get you to where you were, figuring out who you were and how you fit in. To be on top of it all and then WHAM!

High School.

14
(because your birthday was a week ago)

Dodging 18 year old, potential army recruits in the hallway, completely lost trying to find your class.

New expectations from jaded teachers.

All your old friends dressed in new grown up clothes and you're wearing the same dress you wore the first day of school last year with your favorite number on it, that went over so well last year...

Wanting to stay home to avoid the change and impending humiliation.

Trying to remember WHY you were so excited ALL summer long for high school to start?

Parents promising that what you learn in high school will help prepare you for the real world.

Not knowing that what you learn in class is pretty much null and void in the real world, but the adaptability skills you acquire is what you will learn to pull from in the future.

I started a new job and that eerily familiar feeling of first day/week jitters came back all over again.

What do I wear? How do I act? Is everyone going to be nice? What about my old friends that aren't coming with me to my new job?

I don't fit in. I stick out like a sore thumb. Nobody knows me at all.

Can I just go back to my old job and the comforts of the mayhem there?

What comforts me, ironically, is knowing I've done this all before. Twice.

Me.

As an extra small 14 year old. Walking into a big brand new school. Only knowing a couple of people. Not once but twice in the same year having transferred to another high school mid year.

Knowing I walked in confidently, figured it out, got through it.

And remembering how high school ended...

AWESOMELY!

If 14 year old me can turn a big scary situation into a complete success without the tools and life experience I have now then what makes me think I can't do it now? 15 years later?

Throw in some of that 14 year old disillusionment and spunk and the things I know now, I know everything will be just fine.

Because, now I know that, with God (and the Internet) all things are possible!


=)

I drank my half full glass

The past few months I've been crazy happy about my life.

I mean it's awesome.

Although I'm old. I'm proud of myself.

My own place. A job I like. A small business with loads of potential. A hot and successful boyfriend. I'm working out and my clothes look great on me!

Then all of a sudden I realize that HEY...I've got 3 traffic tickets in the last 2 months. Those aren't cheap. And traffic school is not the place to be.

Shoot. I left my oven on broil last night and fell asleep.

NO! I drove to work and left my heater on. AND fell asleep with it on and charred my comforter.

Wow! I'm so Rich! I have so much money I might be in surplus this month! Just kidding my rent is just late...

Within one day my life sucked! Seriously! I tried to rationalize all the reasons why my life was in shambles...do I have too much on my plate? Have I made a million wrong life decisions? Am I starting my period?

My glass used to be half full, I'm sure of it.

But I think one night when I got really thirsty I drank it all.

Goal for the week. So start filling my glass back up and make my grass greener!

With God (and the internet) I'm pretty sure that's doable.

I'm Old But Don't Expect Anything

I'm old. I'm sure of it.

One- People GASP! When they hear my age.

Could be because I look not a day over 18...ok 19.

Or it could be because I'm OLD

Two- I can't just call my friends any more. All of a sudden I'm pencilling in phone dates with friends I've known for years.

Could be the sign of the times.

Or it could be because I'm OLD

But the thing about being 27 is that anyone in their 40's or 50's and possibly their late 30's, will tell you with all confidence

"27! Oh Honey you have plenty of time!"

I'm not sure they realize what I haven't done yet when they make a statement that large...But I'd rather not rebuttal with, (for fear of embarrassment)

"Really! =) You think I have plenty of time to move out of my parents house, start a career, get married, buy a house, have children, put them through college, retire and meet my grand kids before I'm blind or break a hip! Thank you that's so sweet."

But tell anyone who's your age, or around the ripe age of 20, how old you are and they think you're half way to the grave. Those are the ones that make me understand why women start to lie about their age.

There's an expectation people have of you when they find out your age. If you're 18 it's ok to have a high school diploma and a job at a cool retail spot.

If you're 27 and the only knowledge someone has is that you work retail you're an automatic failure at life. And I don't have the desire to explain why I'm so old to every Joe, John and Harry. It's easier to just say "I'm 18."

And Wha La. Zero expectations.

My only problem is the lying part, I'm a big lie hater and incessantly correct myself when I leave the truth behind. UGH!

My life is so hard!

But with God and the Internet I'm sure I'll manage =)

No Relationship, I Just want your Babies Please.

It's not my fault that the only boyfriend I've ever had is the one that I have now. Seriously. I was the best me I could be, athletic, cute, funny. Guys were interested.

BIG CATCH: They all wanted only to have my babies.

None of them actually wanted to properly "court" me and be my boyfriend as I so desired. They strictly wanted to impregnate me and watch our babies transform into these Super Human, Brown, Sports God's.

"BEASTS" as they'd affectionately refer to "our offspring."

As I mentioned in an earlier post I was quite a little athlete and while I thought it was a great reason for a guy to want me to be his girlfriend, they thought it was an even GREATER reason to skip all that nonsense and go straight for what really mattered. Passing on their DNA to a female host with an uncanny ability to master sports.

Which makes it safe to assume this could be part of the reason I've been able to maintain wearing my chastity belt for so long. Because I knew these fools were trying to be anything but "safe" and with the incredibly fertile females in my family, I knew if we were alone when the lights went out I'd probably be spitting out triplets at 17.

They loved that I was "Black" (I tried to tell them I was only half and any babies with them would only make them lighter. But to no avail) and that I was the strongest girl in school, and couldn't be beaten in 3 varsity sports.

Needless to say I always had a crush on whoever was propositioning me for children and I had the toughest time smashing into their brain that I just wanted them to take me on a date and love me!

With all these guys wanting me to bare their children it's surprising I didn't have my first kiss until a few weeks before my 18th birthday, with the guy who literally wanted to create a Super Human Race and even asked his girlfriend if he could have babies with a Black Girl (in retrospect...I should have known that was going no where. =/ )

And although it was depressing that my ovaries interested the other gender more than my personality or even my hot body! I knew that if I was doomed to be an old spinster, I would always be able to fulfill my dream of having a family. I could just close my eyes point a finger and WHAH LA! Baby Daddy!

Which makes me wonder where these girls find these guys who never want to have kids, because it seems the only ones I can find are ready to jump on board...or in bed...

Luckily, for now, I don't have to be on the hunt for a man who doesn't ONLY want me too fatten me up with his "seed."

Because with lots of God, and a little internet, I've found someone who know's there's a possibility our children may not be brown, possibly a bit clumsy, not very good at math, and is still willing to take the risk of loving me anyway. *sigh* Finally!

Growing out of Possible things

When I started this blog I titled it "With God (& the Internet) all things are possible. I was inspired by the title because I felt like I had SO much to accomplish and it was nice to be reminded that my life wasn't impossible, I could get where I needed to be, and that there was no reason I should be failing at anything because,

1. I had God

2. I had the Internet.

Seriously. What can't you do with that combo?

And as always, whether spoken or unspoken I expected a lot out of myself. And I Needed a lot out of myself. I needed to get somewhere, I needed to get something, I needed to see someone...

I figured once I took care of everything I "needed" I would be fine. Settled. Secure. Happy.

What I failed to think about was the pure FACT that as long as I'm alive I will always NEED something!

I subconsciously thought I would outgrow this title, that one day I wouldn't need to be reminded that with God all things are possible. Because I would've accomplished every possible thing and would someday be forced to change the title because it wouldn't apply to my life anymore...

As if I could grow out of "possible things" to do!

Well...this year I STILL- NEED to get somewhere, NEED to get something, and NEED to see someone.

I have SO much I need to accomplish this year! Just like last year...and the year before...

Yet I'm a much less scared person this time around...but I still need reminders that "With God (& the internet) all things are possible. Because this life is freaking scary sometimes!

One this is clear though. The title of this blog won't be changing anytime soon due to me accomplishing too much!

I am. According to Me.

Next time someone asks...

I'm everything I want to be.

I have a video of my niece when she was about 6 that my friend took on her camera phone. She said "Skai, tell me about yourself"

"My name is Skai...I'm an athlete, I'm a dancer, I'm a singer, ummm, I'm an athlete, I'm a basketball player, I'm a cheerleader...I'm a tennis player, I'm an athlete.... ummm...my name is Skai."

Now how good was she at any of these things? As good as any 6 year old girl can be. But in her mind did her lack of a job, skill, or age take away her right to be any of these things in her heart? Absolutely not!

As a 1st grader, she taught me that, you don't have to be Michael Angelo to be an artist, you don't have to play in the NBA to be a basketball player, you don't have to go to Juliard to be a dancer, you don't have a degree to be a teacher.

For me that meant you don't have to have a record deal to be a singer, you don't have to publish a book to be a writer, and I don't have to be Ralph Lauren to be a fashion designer. Maybe the world wouldn't label me as such but as far as I'm concerned,

I'm a singer. Even if it is only according to YouTube

I'm a writer. Even if it is only according to Blogger and Wordpress

I'm a fashion designer. Even if it is only according to Etsy

I'm HAPPY!

With God, the Internet, and Skai, this is possible

PS. This isn't the video of my niece, but its TOO cute and sort of works with what I'm trying to say =) Just enjoy it!

Public Explosions via The Internet

You've had a day like my today, I'm sure of it.

Not that everything went wrong, but everything that happened bugged the mess outta you. So when I say I had a bad day I'm talking about the bad days that you see in movies where EVERYTHING is extreme and you feel so awful for the main character until the end when it all works out. My day isn't over yet so I can't tell you if it ends well.

But the scary part about my day isn't how disturbingly awful it was, but that the only place I have to vent about it is the internet. Where anyone and everyone who is willing has access.

I'd say I've done a pretty good job about maintaining my social profiles with a strict sense of privacy, nobody ever knows exactly what I'm doing, I barely update my status's on Facebook and usually make fun of people who do. I try to give people insight but not information, so they think they know, but they really have NO idea.

I don't tweet constantly about my day, I try to use that strictly for my business and to update people on blog posts, and pictures of new products.

But every now and then I slip. Because of some extreme emotion, sadness, anger, bitterness, happiness, whatever the case may be, and I let "them" know too much and just TYPE and click "publish" or "submit"

I feel the regret almost immediately after when I realize that people actually READ that stuff and I start getting comments! =/ Comments from people who care, text messages from my closer friends and all of a sudden I'm deflecting the inquiry's requiring me to explain. I don't want to explain, I just want to be bitter!

In my haste I assume everyone is just like me, who skims all the content of the site, not taking anything to seriously and rarely taking time to comment or take seriously what is being posted. But all too quickly I realize not everyone is like me and people out there do read what's in front of them, that's not weird. I should expect that.

I can't start making a habit of updating the world wide web of my happenings, pretty soon they'll see the monsoon of an emotional roller coaster I ride everyday. From my status update worthy dates with KP, my tweet worthy rants, and the blogs written through a torrential down pour of tears, I'd for sure have more followers because that's some interesting crap. But I'm sure I'd have less real life friends. So I'm gonna have to learn how to control myself in the future when I feel a public explosion brewing inside and just grab the journal that I carry in my purse.

Don't need to expose "today's" like that.

With God and my journal all things are possible.

checked out Kimmy @Glee

I don't usually do random posts BUT I auditioned for GLEE today! And I'd love it if you'd visit my audition and give me a Gold Star. I don't know if the Gold Stars help you be chosen but it couldn't hurt to try huh?

checked out Kimmy @Glee

If that link doesn't work you can try this one

http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=19758914

With God, the internet and YOU, this is possible!

Thanks! And Enjoy!

Being Jealous of Myself

I'm starting a new thing in my world.

Being jealous of my life.

I've figured out why my feet have hurt for the past 26 years, 7 months, and 21 days. I've been trying to walk in someone else's shoes! And I have BIG FEET!

I'm always jealous of someone else's job, their apartment, their income, their relationship, their shoes...when in fact, someone else may be trying to fill mine.

Why don't I see my life, my work, my time, my relationship as something to be jealous of?! I don't know? Maybe it's because I'm too close to see the blessing. But I'm most likely too greedy and want it all right now.

I've always wanted so much more out of my life than anyone I've ever known, so how do I expect to fit my big life into someone else's little shoes? My jealousy of everyone else is making me dream smaller!

STUPID!

So from today forward I will stop thinking that the best thing for my life is YOUR life, and become totally JEALOUS of the sexy life I'm living! (That was a joke. haha? Nothing about my life is "sexy" not even close.)

But I am on my journey to somewhere...and with God and the Internet, I'll get there.

Spilling it all over faceless strangers

I don't like talking about myself.

(I totally get the irony of saying that on a public world wide blog, but I'm a living contradiction. I know. It gets worse.)

I don't like being judged and although I want others peoples opinions and advice...I DON'T WANT ANYONE'S OPINIONS OR ADVICE.

Today I complained about how my friends don't ask how I'm doing or what's going on. I got mad and complained and whined about how they don't care.

But last week my sister asks me what my plans are for the future and I end up bawling my brains out and writing a blog through tears/a blurry waterfall. (Not recommended. I did NOT end up posting it. Thank God I came to my senses!)

Then tonight my dad asks me what I plan on doing when I come back from the east coast this summer and I avoid eye contact, and shove my Philly Cheesesteak down my throat, while I mumble through my plan...

So although I'd like to spill my guts all over my family and friends, I can't. I'd rather spill them out to a world who will never meet me.

And with God and mostly the internet I can enable myself to continue showing myself to the world and hiding from those who love me. WHAT?!

well...lucky you?

Mistaken Expectations That They Don't Tell You

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Clap clap clap clap"

They sure didn't!

I've misunderstood every segment of my life, and have expected everything that did not happen.

As I've said before, I never thought much about anything before the age of 10, and after that everything I thought was wrong.

Going into Junior high I thought that we'd all be mature enough to tell the boys we liked that we liked them, and not have to keep in a secret anymore. Apparently that's just not how it works, at ANY age. I ended up doodling my multiple crushes names all over my notebooks and in the notes to my friends, but NEVER to the boy.

I thought by the time I was 16 I'd be beautiful, with beautiful long hair, driving and going on dates. I'd even invented this snazzy backless shirt with my turtleneck that I thought for sure I'd be wearing when I was 16 (woah there little fashion designer). I dreamed of my prom, and prom dress and how cool it would be if at Senior Ball there was a ball pit, like the one at Chuck E Cheese. I'd definitely have a boyfriend AND all the boys would like me and want to date me. I had a clear vision.

When I was 16 I'm sure someone thought I was beautiful. My mom maybe. Probably God. I still didn't know how to style the curly poof on my head, but I was getting better. It was long...it shouldn't have been. I had my ugly face permit until I was 17, which became my ugly face drivers license. Didn't get asked to my prom, or Senior Ball for that matter and had to find my own dates. I'm still pretty mad about that. Obviously neither one had a ball pit. And not only did I NOT have a boyfriend, I'm not so sure any guy in my school even considered me a girl.

I stopped expecting so much for college since I was so far off on my first two predictions. I made a mental note that I would work EXTRA hard in college, take extra classes and summer school, and be buried in the books so that I could graduate on time or even early.

I did nothing of the sort. Although I maintained above a 3.0 GPA for my entire college career, I had a friend ask me if I even went to school, because they never saw me going to class, studying, talking about class or anything. It was like I just hung out AT school, but didn't actually go. *sigh* So much for that prediction. On the upside, I got hot for a season and guys were FINALLY freaking noticing me! Woot woot! Didn't see that coming at all!

In the back of my mind I figured I'd be married at the end of college, and barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life so I could be on eternal maternity leave from work, because the thought of work just confused me. No, seriously I actually told people that on a regular basis. I still think it's one heck of a plan!

Towards the end of my Super Senior year (5th year), when I was sort of dating KP, I had an "ah ha" moment. I would NOT be getting married that summer...I would NOT be barefoot and pregnant anytime soon...I WOULD have to take care of myself...*tear*

Somewhere around that time KP wrote me a letter saying that my "perception of reality is sometimes funny =)" I was a little offended, but stinkin guy is always right on.

And I actually never thought of where I would be past the age of 26, and I only thought that far because we had to write where we wanted to be in 10 years when I was 16...in Mrs. Farhner's English class. She didn't like me. And I no longer have that paper. But it's safe to assume I thought I'd be beautiful, with long hair, married, with children, and pregnant...barefoot.

And what else could possibly happen after that!

Anyhow, during every mistaken expectation I've had over the years I would loudly exclaim to anyone who was within earshot "NOBODY TELLS YOU THIS! Why doesn't anybody tell you this!" Followed by "I'm gonna write a book." Yes, 12 years old, ready to write a book warning the next generation not to tell the boy they like that they like them.

Since I was wrong about everything up until now I have come full circle and realized I was the smartest before I started thinking. I have NO idea what to expect in the coming years. Not a clue. And there's obviously no point in guessing.

But with God and the internet I'm sure I'll get there somehow.

Up and Down and into Love-I'm letting you in

I've tried in journals, I've tried in letters, I've tried in Microsoft word, I've tried on a website.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

The story of KP and I has never sounded right when put into words. But I will try again for the sake of Valentines Day and our upcoming 3 year anniversary. So here I go. Again. I hope this all makes sense...

From the moment I entered college I was on the prowl! At the beginning of every year there is an entry in my journal saying "I'm ready Lord, this year I'm ready for a boyfriend. I get it now." Every year I was more mature, and more ready than I thought I'd been the year before. I wanted a BOYFRIEND !

Finally in my 5th year of college, I began the year as always, in my journal. This entry started off the same, but as I began to write about my life and about all that I had to accomplish that year, including to graduate and financially support myself, I found myself writing..."Lord, I don't have time for a boyfriend ! Please don't let me find one this year I have way too much to do and not nearly enough time to dedicate to such an important relationship." I was a little bit frantic because the reality of what it would be like to have a boyfriend was so real . I was practically begging God to keep the boys away!

I'm pretty sure God just laughed at me and carried on with his plan.

Because not a week later was I writing about how cute E's brother KP was. The differences between us were SO obvious and it was very clear to me (and apparently everyone else) that this was going nowhere. But he was cute nonetheless, a genius, athletic, all around DREAMY, with sad green eyes, a perfect smile and the body of a statue...and my roommates were excited about him coming over a couple times a week =) (The things college roommates enable you to do!)

We casually hung out for a couple of months, nothing big, always at my house because I didn't have a car, cooking (correction. Me cooking) or ice cream at cold stone. It was fun, innocent and perfect.

I remember our first kiss being a big debacle because I didn't want to ruin what we had by "taking it there" (yes I was a super prude, but it worked =) and I'm pretty sure there was even discussion about it. haha.

Anyway he'd finally had enough of my nonsense and finally somehow got in there! Our first kiss was the epitome of every cheesy description you've every heard . It was beautiful, magical, and I may have even saw stars =) At least it was for me. I remember thinking that he'd probably never kiss me again!

We continued to hang out and learn more about each other as the months went by. Shortly after our first kiss late one night I was laying in bed after KP and I had exchanged a few texts , and I closed my eyes, and I swear it was the voice of God, I heard loud and clear "He's the one." At that time I knew I had a major crush but didn't think it'd ever be more than that. My eyes SHOT open and I said "Are you sure?!?!" I mean he wasn't even my boyfriend, then I heard it again "Yes, He's the one."

The events that followed in the year after didn't do much to support what I'd heard that night. I was scared to have a relationship with him, for so many reasons. I don't think he was ready either, and things were always stressed between us. But the building relationship and chemistry was undeniable.

Then things became even harder in April, a month before graduation, my house burned down. Everything I owned was gone and I had no where to go. KP offered me everything and anything. He really stood by me. Unfortunately although my feelings were still growing I was still pushing him away.

I graduated in May and things didn't get better that summer. After graduating , having to move back home, no real job, and my relationship woes with KP, I slid into an unwanted depression. During those couple of months we broke up like a real couple (over and over), said I love you like a real couple, although we were not a "real" couple the feelings we had were definitely real. But it felt like my heart was breaking every time I saw him.

I couldn't handle the ups and downs anymore so I decided to make a big change. I moved clear across the country with $1400 to my name. I knew that with me gone we would either grow stronger or fall into a million pieces. At that point I was willing to take the risk.

Best decision I've ever made. Toughest life I've ever lived.

And even though he didn't want me to go, once again KP supported me the whole way through.

After 5 months of being away, and a year and 4 months of dating, we somehow managed to play the same games that we played when I was living at home, but we'd reached a turning point.

Without me knowing, he'd overnighted his heart his heart in a letter . It was amazing, everything you've ever wanted a guy to say to you and really mean. He was saying all that to me in this letter. He really loved me and missed me as much, if not more than I missed him.

Unfortunately I didn't receive this letter until after the gut wrenching talk that we had the night before. And after the things I said I was sure God was going to have to use his best angel to get us back on track.



He did.



I called him the next day, after I read his letter. We were still a little broken from the night before and it was hard for me to get the conversation started. I knew that if I didn't work things out with him now that I may never get another chance.

We decided to make it official that day. Three thousand miles away over the phone.

It's been about 4 1/2 years since we began and nearly 3 years (on the 11th) since that conversation and we are still together, no longer at a distance and growing together more and more each day.

Nobody really understands our relationship, but nobody ever has . I guess you do really find what you need when you aren't looking.

It's yours! Give it to ME!

MINE MINE MINE!!

Does the 3 year old in you ever proudly present itself in your present life? You know when you're making a sandwich and your roommate (in my case, my mother) comes by to borrow the butter knife you took out, and starts to get butter for their toast, and you feel yourself SNATCH it back and yell...

that's MINE!

My internal toddler is about to bare her nasty whine.

Maybe it's me being hyper sensitive but I swear my inner circle is abusing my time. The main problem being that they don't take me starting a business seriously, therefore when I say I'm working, they hear I'm "working."

To the naked eye all anyone can see is me going to the thrift store and cutting up shirts in the back room of my parents house, with no real income and living out of my savings. Doesn't look like much huh? Well I gotta start somewhere.

So lately I've been getting a lot of requests to do things, random things like, babysit, open the garage door, drop off my dry cleaning, etc... all during my work day!

And it's not requested meaning: Can you do this? It's requested meaning: "Here's my dry cleaning. Take it to the one by the gym. Here's $4. That should be enough."

"Here's my baby, I need you to watch her this week."

"I lost my garage door opener. Stop sewing your bag and come open it for me."

WHAT!

I cried last night to KP, and being the engineer that he is, he tried to find and fix the problem. But I couldn't pin point it. All I wanted to say was MINE MINE MINE WHAAAAAAAAHHHH!

I'm living a life that has nothing to do with me.

Ever since I've been home I've scared myself into thinking that I'm burdening everyone by being here. So I've literally run myself ragged trying to make their lives easier.

I don't think it's bad thing to want my own things. Like my own time, my own problems, my own joys. Even poor people have these things.

I want to snatch my life back screaming MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!

With God, the internet and lots of time I can make this happen!

Try Harder so you can Fail

"If you aren't failing, you aren't trying hard enough."

What the Crap kind of motivation is that?! I don't need to TRY to fail. I could write a book on how to successfully fail, but where would that get me?

For the first time I read this quote and got so irritated and a little offended. I've heard this quote before and lately I've been hearing it a lot. On tv, other blog posts, and many other pseudo inspirational media. I'm not attacking people trying to be inspirational, I'm attacking this very idea that you have to measure your success by your failures.

That's like making the loser feel better by calling them "1st Runner Up"

or trying to ease the crying of the ugly girl by saying that they have a great personality and that's all you need.

Runner up is just a fancy name for loser, being ugly will give you a lot of lonely nights, failing is failing. In every case the loser just isn't quite there yet.

You have to fail before you succeed yes.

But frankly I'm sick and tired of failing and I don't want to feel like I have to keep failing in order to be a success somewhere. I've failed at everything it seems like, and I think it's about freaking time I get some success! And I don't want to have to fail AGAIN to do that!

Why can't I just work hard and succeed? Why can't I just focus, do it right and not fail? Why do I have to try harder if failure is supposedly success?!

But who am I to talk. The girl with a million excuses about why she didn't turn in her work (a million great excuses I might add), or trying to take the short cut on everything, who tries to get better at sports by not practicing...

All I'm trying to say is, that quote is that last thing I want to hear while I'm facing my latest business endeavor. Failure is not an option this time, and I don't want some quote telling me that it's not only ok to fail, but that it means I must be "trying really hard!" Come on. Don't try to sugar coat failure.

It Sucks.

Because in my world failure doesn't equal hard work, failure is laying down and letting life happen while you watch it fly by like an idiot. And I'm not going to let it happen to me again.

With God and the internet all things are possible.

Emotional Pins and Needles

Do you know what it feels like to be sitting on pins and needles?

One time in high school I walked into my history class, senior year, and went to my normal seat I sat in every day. Threw my backpack on the floor like I always did, and plopped down in my seat while still talking to my friend like usual. Only to be unpleasantly STABBED by a seat full of Thumbtacks!

Who does that!!!!!

Needless to say I shot out of my chair at LIGHTNING SPEED! And had to pick out the remaining tacks from my rump. And the pain was over.

Easy solution for actual pins and needles, but emotional pins and needles are much worse because frankly, you can't just bounce off the chair.

KP (the boyfriend) and I were texting each other the other night as I was going to bed. And unusually I was the one that was ready to say goodbye. But he had a surprise.

"I got some bad news at work this week ;-/" WHAT?

"They announced that a lot of positions are moving to Chicago..."

Freaking FANTASTIC!!!!

"We're supposed to find out next week if we are going in the first 'wave'"

Don't forget that I JUST moved back to California from being on the east coast for 3 years, and being in a long distance relationship for 3 YEARS. And now that I'm finally settling into a routine of being home, working during the week and driving the hour it takes to see him on the weekends, he "might" be moving to Chicago.

I fully believe that they will choose to transfer him for a number of reasons that aren't exciting enough to post. But as far as I am concerned I know they already know who's going and I just wish they would just tell me so I can stop sitting uncomfortably on these pins and needles, wondering, anticipating, and analyzing every possible scenario, from whether I'll end up moving to Chicago too, or if I'll have to be a SERIAL LONG DISTANCE DATER!

WHACK!

I always tell people "Life Happens." I really hate that saying now.

Maybe he won't have to move. Maybe we can live happily ever after. Maybe we'll live in the same CITY before we get married. (Don't worry marriage isn't even on the table right now. Obviously.)

With God (and I think this has nothing to do with the internet) all things are possible!

Sharing Intimate Moments with a Pimple

I'm gazing affectionately at Boyfriend, lying on my back, as he hovers over me, fiercly focused on my face, studying it intently. How romantic, he's trying to memorize every curve of my face *smile*...

He reaches down to touch my face and stops with his fingers on my forehead and says...

"I've gotta get this pimple!"

...

Gee thanks.

He proceeds to "get the sucker"

That's not the first time this has happened. And stop thinking that I must have bad acne, because that's not the case. The worst it usually gets are those mini annoying skin colored pimples that never turn white, but beg for you to scratch them off.

I am in the process of convincing myself that it's just his excuse to touch my face. It's not like I mind, he does a great job and it's to my benefit to have my own extractionist.

It just stinks when you're having an intimate moment with someone and they are accepting a personal challenge with the pimple on your face!

Only solution. Clean my face! Then maybe I can get him to stroke my cheek affectionately while gazing into my eyes...Yeah, maybe in my BEST dream!

It could happen! Because with God (and in most cases the internet) all things are possible.

Oh man he's lucky I love him like crazy!