With God (& the internet) all things are possible

I'm Old But Don't Expect Anything

2010-10-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

I'm old. I'm sure of it.

One- People GASP! When they hear my age.

Could be because I look not a day over 18...ok 19.

Or it could be because I'm OLD

Two- I can't just call my friends any more. All of a sudden I'm pencilling in phone dates with friends I've known for years.

Could be the sign of the times.

Or it could be because I'm OLD

But the thing about being 27 is that anyone in their 40's or 50's and possibly their late 30's, will tell you with all confidence

"27! Oh Honey you have plenty of time!"

I'm not sure they realize what I haven't done yet when they make a statement that large...But I'd rather not rebuttal with, (for fear of embarrassment)

"Really! =) You think I have plenty of time to move out of my parents house, start a career, get married, buy a house, have children, put them through college, retire and meet my grand kids before I'm blind or break a hip! Thank you that's so sweet."

But tell anyone who's your age, or around the ripe age of 20, how old you are and they think you're half way to the grave. Those are the ones that make me understand why women start to lie about their age.

There's an expectation people have of you when they find out your age. If you're 18 it's ok to have a high school diploma and a job at a cool retail spot.

If you're 27 and the only knowledge someone has is that you work retail you're an automatic failure at life. And I don't have the desire to explain why I'm so old to every Joe, John and Harry. It's easier to just say "I'm 18."

And Wha La. Zero expectations.

My only problem is the lying part, I'm a big lie hater and incessantly correct myself when I leave the truth behind. UGH!

My life is so hard!

But with God and the Internet I'm sure I'll manage =)

No Relationship, I Just want your Babies Please.

2010-08-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

It's not my fault that the only boyfriend I've ever had is the one that I have now. Seriously. I was the best me I could be, athletic, cute, funny. Guys were interested.

BIG CATCH: They all wanted only to have my babies.

None of them actually wanted to properly "court" me and be my boyfriend as I so desired. They strictly wanted to impregnate me and watch our babies transform into these Super Human, Brown, Sports God's.

"BEASTS" as they'd affectionately refer to "our offspring."

As I mentioned in an earlier post I was quite a little athlete and while I thought it was a great reason for a guy to want me to be his girlfriend, they thought it was an even GREATER reason to skip all that nonsense and go straight for what really mattered. Passing on their DNA to a female host with an uncanny ability to master sports.

Which makes it safe to assume this could be part of the reason I've been able to maintain wearing my chastity belt for so long. Because I knew these fools were trying to be anything but "safe" and with the incredibly fertile females in my family, I knew if we were alone when the lights went out I'd probably be spitting out triplets at 17.

They loved that I was "Black" (I tried to tell them I was only half and any babies with them would only make them lighter. But to no avail) and that I was the strongest girl in school, and couldn't be beaten in 3 varsity sports.

Needless to say I always had a crush on whoever was propositioning me for children and I had the toughest time smashing into their brain that I just wanted them to take me on a date and love me!

With all these guys wanting me to bare their children it's surprising I didn't have my first kiss until a few weeks before my 18th birthday, with the guy who literally wanted to create a Super Human Race and even asked his girlfriend if he could have babies with a Black Girl (in retrospect...I should have known that was going no where. =/ )

And although it was depressing that my ovaries interested the other gender more than my personality or even my hot body! I knew that if I was doomed to be an old spinster, I would always be able to fulfill my dream of having a family. I could just close my eyes point a finger and WHAH LA! Baby Daddy!

Which makes me wonder where these girls find these guys who never want to have kids, because it seems the only ones I can find are ready to jump on board...or in bed...

Luckily, for now, I don't have to be on the hunt for a man who doesn't ONLY want me too fatten me up with his "seed."

Because with lots of God, and a little internet, I've found someone who know's there's a possibility our children may not be brown, possibly a bit clumsy, not very good at math, and is still willing to take the risk of loving me anyway. *sigh* Finally!

Growing out of Possible things

2010-07-13T20:12:00.001-07:00

When I started this blog I titled it "With God (& the Internet) all things are possible. I was inspired by the title because I felt like I had SO much to accomplish and it was nice to be reminded that my life wasn't impossible, I could get where I needed to be, and that there was no reason I should be failing at anything because,

1. I had God

2. I had the Internet.

Seriously. What can't you do with that combo?

And as always, whether spoken or unspoken I expected a lot out of myself. And I Needed a lot out of myself. I needed to get somewhere, I needed to get something, I needed to see someone...

I figured once I took care of everything I "needed" I would be fine. Settled. Secure. Happy.

What I failed to think about was the pure FACT that as long as I'm alive I will always NEED something!

I subconsciously thought I would outgrow this title, that one day I wouldn't need to be reminded that with God all things are possible. Because I would've accomplished every possible thing and would someday be forced to change the title because it wouldn't apply to my life anymore...

As if I could grow out of "possible things" to do!

Well...this year I STILL- NEED to get somewhere, NEED to get something, and NEED to see someone.

I have SO much I need to accomplish this year! Just like last year...and the year before...

Yet I'm a much less scared person this time around...but I still need reminders that "With God (& the internet) all things are possible. Because this life is freaking scary sometimes!

One this is clear though. The title of this blog won't be changing anytime soon due to me accomplishing too much!

I am. According to Me.

2010-06-15T23:36:00.001-07:00

Next time someone asks...

I'm everything I want to be.

I have a video of my niece when she was about 6 that my friend took on her camera phone. She said "Skai, tell me about yourself"

"My name is Skai...I'm an athlete, I'm a dancer, I'm a singer, ummm, I'm an athlete, I'm a basketball player, I'm a cheerleader...I'm a tennis player, I'm an athlete.... ummm...my name is Skai."

Now how good was she at any of these things? As good as any 6 year old girl can be. But in her mind did her lack of a job, skill, or age take away her right to be any of these things in her heart? Absolutely not!

As a 1st grader, she taught me that, you don't have to be Michael Angelo to be an artist, you don't have to play in the NBA to be a basketball player, you don't have to go to Juliard to be a dancer, you don't have a degree to be a teacher.

For me that meant you don't have to have a record deal to be a singer, you don't have to publish a book to be a writer, and I don't have to be Ralph Lauren to be a fashion designer. Maybe the world wouldn't label me as such but as far as I'm concerned,

I'm a singer. Even if it is only according to YouTube

I'm a writer. Even if it is only according to Blogger and Wordpress

I'm a fashion designer. Even if it is only according to Etsy

I'm HAPPY!

With God, the Internet, and Skai, this is possible

PS. This isn't the video of my niece, but its TOO cute and sort of works with what I'm trying to say =) Just enjoy it!

Public Explosions via The Internet

2010-05-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

You've had a day like my today, I'm sure of it.

Not that everything went wrong, but everything that happened bugged the mess outta you. So when I say I had a bad day I'm talking about the bad days that you see in movies where EVERYTHING is extreme and you feel so awful for the main character until the end when it all works out. My day isn't over yet so I can't tell you if it ends well.

But the scary part about my day isn't how disturbingly awful it was, but that the only place I have to vent about it is the internet. Where anyone and everyone who is willing has access.

I'd say I've done a pretty good job about maintaining my social profiles with a strict sense of privacy, nobody ever knows exactly what I'm doing, I barely update my status's on Facebook and usually make fun of people who do. I try to give people insight but not information, so they think they know, but they really have NO idea.

I don't tweet constantly about my day, I try to use that strictly for my business and to update people on blog posts, and pictures of new products.

But every now and then I slip. Because of some extreme emotion, sadness, anger, bitterness, happiness, whatever the case may be, and I let "them" know too much and just TYPE and click "publish" or "submit"

I feel the regret almost immediately after when I realize that people actually READ that stuff and I start getting comments! =/ Comments from people who care, text messages from my closer friends and all of a sudden I'm deflecting the inquiry's requiring me to explain. I don't want to explain, I just want to be bitter!

In my haste I assume everyone is just like me, who skims all the content of the site, not taking anything to seriously and rarely taking time to comment or take seriously what is being posted. But all too quickly I realize not everyone is like me and people out there do read what's in front of them, that's not weird. I should expect that.

I can't start making a habit of updating the world wide web of my happenings, pretty soon they'll see the monsoon of an emotional roller coaster I ride everyday. From my status update worthy dates with KP, my tweet worthy rants, and the blogs written through a torrential down pour of tears, I'd for sure have more followers because that's some interesting crap. But I'm sure I'd have less real life friends. So I'm gonna have to learn how to control myself in the future when I feel a public explosion brewing inside and just grab the journal that I carry in my purse.

Don't need to expose "today's" like that.

With God and my journal all things are possible.

checked out Kimmy @Glee

2010-04-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

I don't usually do random posts BUT I auditioned for GLEE today! And I'd love it if you'd visit my audition and give me a Gold Star. I don't know if the Gold Stars help you be chosen but it couldn't hurt to try huh?

checked out Kimmy @Glee

If that link doesn't work you can try this one

http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=19758914

With God, the internet and YOU, this is possible!

Thanks! And Enjoy!

Being Jealous of Myself

2010-04-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a new thing in my world.

Being jealous of my life.

I've figured out why my feet have hurt for the past 26 years, 7 months, and 21 days. I've been trying to walk in someone else's shoes! And I have BIG FEET!

I'm always jealous of someone else's job, their apartment, their income, their relationship, their shoes...when in fact, someone else may be trying to fill mine.

Why don't I see my life, my work, my time, my relationship as something to be jealous of?! I don't know? Maybe it's because I'm too close to see the blessing. But I'm most likely too greedy and want it all right now.

I've always wanted so much more out of my life than anyone I've ever known, so how do I expect to fit my big life into someone else's little shoes? My jealousy of everyone else is making me dream smaller!

STUPID!

So from today forward I will stop thinking that the best thing for my life is YOUR life, and become totally JEALOUS of the sexy life I'm living! (That was a joke. haha? Nothing about my life is "sexy" not even close.)

But I am on my journey to somewhere...and with God and the Internet, I'll get there.

Spilling it all over faceless strangers

2010-04-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

I don't like talking about myself.

(I totally get the irony of saying that on a public world wide blog, but I'm a living contradiction. I know. It gets worse.)

I don't like being judged and although I want others peoples opinions and advice...I DON'T WANT ANYONE'S OPINIONS OR ADVICE.

Today I complained about how my friends don't ask how I'm doing or what's going on. I got mad and complained and whined about how they don't care.

But last week my sister asks me what my plans are for the future and I end up bawling my brains out and writing a blog through tears/a blurry waterfall. (Not recommended. I did NOT end up posting it. Thank God I came to my senses!)

Then tonight my dad asks me what I plan on doing when I come back from the east coast this summer and I avoid eye contact, and shove my Philly Cheesesteak down my throat, while I mumble through my plan...

So although I'd like to spill my guts all over my family and friends, I can't. I'd rather spill them out to a world who will never meet me.

And with God and mostly the internet I can enable myself to continue showing myself to the world and hiding from those who love me. WHAT?!

well...lucky you?

Mistaken Expectations That They Don't Tell You

2010-03-09T19:02:00.001-08:00

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Clap clap clap clap"

They sure didn't!

I've misunderstood every segment of my life, and have expected everything that did not happen.

As I've said before, I never thought much about anything before the age of 10, and after that everything I thought was wrong.

Going into Junior high I thought that we'd all be mature enough to tell the boys we liked that we liked them, and not have to keep in a secret anymore. Apparently that's just not how it works, at ANY age. I ended up doodling my multiple crushes names all over my notebooks and in the notes to my friends, but NEVER to the boy.

I thought by the time I was 16 I'd be beautiful, with beautiful long hair, driving and going on dates. I'd even invented this snazzy backless shirt with my turtleneck that I thought for sure I'd be wearing when I was 16 (woah there little fashion designer). I dreamed of my prom, and prom dress and how cool it would be if at Senior Ball there was a ball pit, like the one at Chuck E Cheese. I'd definitely have a boyfriend AND all the boys would like me and want to date me. I had a clear vision.

When I was 16 I'm sure someone thought I was beautiful. My mom maybe. Probably God. I still didn't know how to style the curly poof on my head, but I was getting better. It was long...it shouldn't have been. I had my ugly face permit until I was 17, which became my ugly face drivers license. Didn't get asked to my prom, or Senior Ball for that matter and had to find my own dates. I'm still pretty mad about that. Obviously neither one had a ball pit. And not only did I NOT have a boyfriend, I'm not so sure any guy in my school even considered me a girl.

I stopped expecting so much for college since I was so far off on my first two predictions. I made a mental note that I would work EXTRA hard in college, take extra classes and summer school, and be buried in the books so that I could graduate on time or even early.

I did nothing of the sort. Although I maintained above a 3.0 GPA for my entire college career, I had a friend ask me if I even went to school, because they never saw me going to class, studying, talking about class or anything. It was like I just hung out AT school, but didn't actually go. *sigh* So much for that prediction. On the upside, I got hot for a season and guys were FINALLY freaking noticing me! Woot woot! Didn't see that coming at all!

In the back of my mind I figured I'd be married at the end of college, and barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life so I could be on eternal maternity leave from work, because the thought of work just confused me. No, seriously I actually told people that on a regular basis. I still think it's one heck of a plan!

Towards the end of my Super Senior year (5th year), when I was sort of dating KP, I had an "ah ha" moment. I would NOT be getting married that summer...I would NOT be barefoot and pregnant anytime soon...I WOULD have to take care of myself...*tear*

Somewhere around that time KP wrote me a letter saying that my "perception of reality is sometimes funny =)" I was a little offended, but stinkin guy is always right on.

And I actually never thought of where I would be past the age of 26, and I only thought that far because we had to write where we wanted to be in 10 years when I was 16...in Mrs. Farhner's English class. She didn't like me. And I no longer have that paper. But it's safe to assume I thought I'd be beautiful, with long hair, married, with children, and pregnant...barefoot.

And what else could possibly happen after that!

Anyhow, during every mistaken expectation I've had over the years I would loudly exclaim to anyone who was within earshot "NOBODY TELLS YOU THIS! Why doesn't anybody tell you this!" Followed by "I'm gonna write a book." Yes, 12 years old, ready to write a book warning the next generation not to tell the boy they like that they like them.

Since I was wrong about everything up until now I have come full circle and realized I was the smartest before I started thinking. I have NO idea what to expect in the coming years. Not a clue. And there's obviously no point in guessing.

But with God and the internet I'm sure I'll get there somehow.

Up and Down and into Love-I'm letting you in

2010-02-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

I've tried in journals, I've tried in letters, I've tried in Microsoft word, I've tried on a website.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

The story of KP and I has never sounded right when put into words. But I will try again for the sake of Valentines Day and our upcoming 3 year anniversary. So here I go. Again. I hope this all makes sense...

From the moment I entered college I was on the prowl! At the beginning of every year there is an entry in my journal saying "I'm ready Lord, this year I'm ready for a boyfriend. I get it now." Every year I was more mature, and more ready than I thought I'd been the year before. I wanted a BOYFRIEND !

Finally in my 5th year of college, I began the year as always, in my journal. This entry started off the same, but as I began to write about my life and about all that I had to accomplish that year, including to graduate and financially support myself, I found myself writing..."Lord, I don't have time for a boyfriend ! Please don't let me find one this year I have way too much to do and not nearly enough time to dedicate to such an important relationship." I was a little bit frantic because the reality of what it would be like to have a boyfriend was so real . I was practically begging God to keep the boys away!

I'm pretty sure God just laughed at me and carried on with his plan.

Because not a week later was I writing about how cute E's brother KP was. The differences between us were SO obvious and it was very clear to me (and apparently everyone else) that this was going nowhere. But he was cute nonetheless, a genius, athletic, all around DREAMY, with sad green eyes, a perfect smile and the body of a statue...and my roommates were excited about him coming over a couple times a week =) (The things college roommates enable you to do!)

We casually hung out for a couple of months, nothing big, always at my house because I didn't have a car, cooking (correction. Me cooking) or ice cream at cold stone. It was fun, innocent and perfect.

I remember our first kiss being a big debacle because I didn't want to ruin what we had by "taking it there" (yes I was a super prude, but it worked =) and I'm pretty sure there was even discussion about it. haha.

Anyway he'd finally had enough of my nonsense and finally somehow got in there! Our first kiss was the epitome of every cheesy description you've every heard . It was beautiful, magical, and I may have even saw stars =) At least it was for me. I remember thinking that he'd probably never kiss me again!

We continued to hang out and learn more about each other as the months went by. Shortly after our first kiss late one night I was laying in bed after KP and I had exchanged a few texts , and I closed my eyes, and I swear it was the voice of God, I heard loud and clear "He's the one." At that time I knew I had a major crush but didn't think it'd ever be more than that. My eyes SHOT open and I said "Are you sure?!?!" I mean he wasn't even my boyfriend, then I heard it again "Yes, He's the one."

The events that followed in the year after didn't do much to support what I'd heard that night. I was scared to have a relationship with him, for so many reasons. I don't think he was ready either, and things were always stressed between us. But the building relationship and chemistry was undeniable.

Then things became even harder in April, a month before graduation, my house burned down. Everything I owned was gone and I had no where to go. KP offered me everything and anything. He really stood by me. Unfortunately although my feelings were still growing I was still pushing him away.

I graduated in May and things didn't get better that summer. After graduating , having to move back home, no real job, and my relationship woes with KP, I slid into an unwanted depression. During those couple of months we broke up like a real couple (over and over), said I love you like a real couple, although we were not a "real" couple the feelings we had were definitely real. But it felt like my heart was breaking every time I saw him.

I couldn't handle the ups and downs anymore so I decided to make a big change. I moved clear across the country with $1400 to my name. I knew that with me gone we would either grow stronger or fall into a million pieces. At that point I was willing to take the risk.

Best decision I've ever made. Toughest life I've ever lived.

And even though he didn't want me to go, once again KP supported me the whole way through.

After 5 months of being away, and a year and 4 months of dating, we somehow managed to play the same games that we played when I was living at home, but we'd reached a turning point.

Without me knowing, he'd overnighted his heart his heart in a letter . It was amazing, everything you've ever wanted a guy to say to you and really mean. He was saying all that to me in this letter. He really loved me and missed me as much, if not more than I missed him.

Unfortunately I didn't receive this letter until after the gut wrenching talk that we had the night before. And after the things I said I was sure God was going to have to use his best angel to get us back on track.

He did.

I called him the next day, after I read his letter. We were still a little broken from the night before and it was hard for me to get the conversation started. I knew that if I didn't work things out with him now that I may never get another chance.

We decided to make it official that day. Three thousand miles away over the phone.

It's been about 4 1/2 years since we began and nearly 3 years (on the 11th) since that conversation and we are still together, no longer at a distance and growing together more and more each day.

Nobody really understands our relationship, but nobody ever has . I guess you do really find what you need when you aren't looking.

It's yours! Give it to ME!

2010-02-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

MINE MINE MINE!!

Does the 3 year old in you ever proudly present itself in your present life? You know when you're making a sandwich and your roommate (in my case, my mother) comes by to borrow the butter knife you took out, and starts to get butter for their toast, and you feel yourself SNATCH it back and yell...

that's MINE!

My internal toddler is about to bare her nasty whine.

Maybe it's me being hyper sensitive but I swear my inner circle is abusing my time. The main problem being that they don't take me starting a business seriously, therefore when I say I'm working, they hear I'm "working."

To the naked eye all anyone can see is me going to the thrift store and cutting up shirts in the back room of my parents house, with no real income and living out of my savings. Doesn't look like much huh? Well I gotta start somewhere.

So lately I've been getting a lot of requests to do things, random things like, babysit, open the garage door, drop off my dry cleaning, etc... all during my work day!

And it's not requested meaning: Can you do this? It's requested meaning: "Here's my dry cleaning. Take it to the one by the gym. Here's $4. That should be enough."

"Here's my baby, I need you to watch her this week."

"I lost my garage door opener. Stop sewing your bag and come open it for me."

WHAT!

I cried last night to KP, and being the engineer that he is, he tried to find and fix the problem. But I couldn't pin point it. All I wanted to say was MINE MINE MINE WHAAAAAAAAHHHH!

I'm living a life that has nothing to do with me.

Ever since I've been home I've scared myself into thinking that I'm burdening everyone by being here. So I've literally run myself ragged trying to make their lives easier.

I don't think it's bad thing to want my own things. Like my own time, my own problems, my own joys. Even poor people have these things.

I want to snatch my life back screaming MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!

With God, the internet and lots of time I can make this happen!

Try Harder so you can Fail

2009-12-23T01:37:00.000-08:00

"If you aren't failing, you aren't trying hard enough."

What the Crap kind of motivation is that?! I don't need to TRY to fail. I could write a book on how to successfully fail, but where would that get me?

For the first time I read this quote and got so irritated and a little offended. I've heard this quote before and lately I've been hearing it a lot. On tv, other blog posts, and many other pseudo inspirational media. I'm not attacking people trying to be inspirational, I'm attacking this very idea that you have to measure your success by your failures.

That's like making the loser feel better by calling them "1st Runner Up"

or trying to ease the crying of the ugly girl by saying that they have a great personality and that's all you need.

Runner up is just a fancy name for loser, being ugly will give you a lot of lonely nights, failing is failing. In every case the loser just isn't quite there yet.

You have to fail before you succeed yes.

But frankly I'm sick and tired of failing and I don't want to feel like I have to keep failing in order to be a success somewhere. I've failed at everything it seems like, and I think it's about freaking time I get some success! And I don't want to have to fail AGAIN to do that!

Why can't I just work hard and succeed? Why can't I just focus, do it right and not fail? Why do I have to try harder if failure is supposedly success?!

But who am I to talk. The girl with a million excuses about why she didn't turn in her work (a million great excuses I might add), or trying to take the short cut on everything, who tries to get better at sports by not practicing...

All I'm trying to say is, that quote is that last thing I want to hear while I'm facing my latest business endeavor. Failure is not an option this time, and I don't want some quote telling me that it's not only ok to fail, but that it means I must be "trying really hard!" Come on. Don't try to sugar coat failure.

It Sucks.

Because in my world failure doesn't equal hard work, failure is laying down and letting life happen while you watch it fly by like an idiot. And I'm not going to let it happen to me again.

With God and the internet all things are possible.

Emotional Pins and Needles

2009-12-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

Do you know what it feels like to be sitting on pins and needles?

One time in high school I walked into my history class, senior year, and went to my normal seat I sat in every day. Threw my backpack on the floor like I always did, and plopped down in my seat while still talking to my friend like usual. Only to be unpleasantly STABBED by a seat full of Thumbtacks!

Who does that!!!!!

Needless to say I shot out of my chair at LIGHTNING SPEED! And had to pick out the remaining tacks from my rump. And the pain was over.

Easy solution for actual pins and needles, but emotional pins and needles are much worse because frankly, you can't just bounce off the chair.

KP (the boyfriend) and I were texting each other the other night as I was going to bed. And unusually I was the one that was ready to say goodbye. But he had a surprise.

"I got some bad news at work this week ;-/" WHAT?

"They announced that a lot of positions are moving to Chicago..."

Freaking FANTASTIC!!!!

"We're supposed to find out next week if we are going in the first 'wave'"

Don't forget that I JUST moved back to California from being on the east coast for 3 years, and being in a long distance relationship for 3 YEARS. And now that I'm finally settling into a routine of being home, working during the week and driving the hour it takes to see him on the weekends, he "might" be moving to Chicago.

I fully believe that they will choose to transfer him for a number of reasons that aren't exciting enough to post. But as far as I am concerned I know they already know who's going and I just wish they would just tell me so I can stop sitting uncomfortably on these pins and needles, wondering, anticipating, and analyzing every possible scenario, from whether I'll end up moving to Chicago too, or if I'll have to be a SERIAL LONG DISTANCE DATER!

WHACK!

I always tell people "Life Happens." I really hate that saying now.

Maybe he won't have to move. Maybe we can live happily ever after. Maybe we'll live in the same CITY before we get married. (Don't worry marriage isn't even on the table right now. Obviously.)

With God (and I think this has nothing to do with the internet) all things are possible!

Sharing Intimate Moments with a Pimple

2009-11-30T13:39:00.000-08:00

I'm gazing affectionately at Boyfriend, lying on my back, as he hovers over me, fiercly focused on my face, studying it intently. How romantic, he's trying to memorize every curve of my face *smile*...

He reaches down to touch my face and stops with his fingers on my forehead and says...

"I've gotta get this pimple!"

...

Gee thanks.

He proceeds to "get the sucker"

That's not the first time this has happened. And stop thinking that I must have bad acne, because that's not the case. The worst it usually gets are those mini annoying skin colored pimples that never turn white, but beg for you to scratch them off.

I am in the process of convincing myself that it's just his excuse to touch my face. It's not like I mind, he does a great job and it's to my benefit to have my own extractionist.

It just stinks when you're having an intimate moment with someone and they are accepting a personal challenge with the pimple on your face!

Only solution. Clean my face! Then maybe I can get him to stroke my cheek affectionately while gazing into my eyes...Yeah, maybe in my BEST dream!

It could happen! Because with God (and in most cases the internet) all things are possible.

Oh man he's lucky I love him like crazy!

Marshmallow Meltdown

2009-11-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

Mental meltdown to the extreme today.

Sorry mom.

I don't think a lot of my friends get it. I tell them I'm living at home and they look at me with envy and say, "I would do that in a minute."

Really?

Then they all launch into how they would live at home and stack and save their money. That's great. You're willing to sacrifice your freedom, independence and everything that comes with adulthood for money...

Maybe that's the problem. I've NEVER been money motivated. My dad offered to pay me, by the 1/2 hour, one summer for practicing basketball. I think I made $20. I've tried network marketing and couldn't envision the endless supply of residual income at the cost of losing a year of my life to build a business. I've turned jobs down with good pay, and lived on a budget of $14 a week for food. I'm just not willing to sacrifice myself for money.

I think that's why living with my parents is so tough. And it's not totally their fault. They've been pretty respectful of me and my things, even though I've made quite the mess a few times with all of my sewing stuff and I'm sure it's harder for them to have this "intruder" living in their house after all these years of being alone, than it is for me to give up my personal space and be able to live near my family again.

I'm probably selfish. But I can't figure out how to adjust. I just freaked out at my mom for mixing 3 stale marshmallows with a bag of new marshmallows...seriously. I had tears in my eyes.

Who does that?!

I just want to be able to live here peacefully until I have the means to live somewhere else. Which if I'm serious about starting this business, and I am, I'm going to have to stick it out and take a chill pill when I don't get my way. It's not my house and I finally have to freedom to start a business.

Lord knows how long it'll take...

But with God and the internet I will make it possible!

Wasting Hotness in High School

2009-11-03T23:03:00.000-08:00

I straightened my mane of curly hair tonight, and I look fantastic! Minus the ichy hives from God knows what covering my face, chest and arms...(another story for another day.)

Who knew I had thick, black hair, red carpet ready and down to my waist that flows behind me like Pocahontas.

My first thought after seeing my reflection in the mirror..."If only I looked like this in high school."

This isn't a new thought. Almost everytime I've had a "hot" day since high school graduation I've said that to myself, or something along those lines. And I imagine all the boys I thought were cute who never gave me a second look, and wish I could see their faces when they saw me looking like a bombshell!

I'M 26!!!!

So I consider this fantasy a little pathetic. And at some point I'm going to have to get over being the not hot girl from high school, because I have this fear that I'm going to be that mother who does who does everything to make her daughter the prettiest one in school because she never was.

Now let's not get confused. My complex is not because I wasn't cool or had low self esteem, and was some outcasted reject. On the contrary. My role in high school was very necessary, 3 sport varsity athlete, league champion in tennis, 2nd team all league in basketball, triple jump record in track, in all 4 high school musicals, on the honor roll, and was homecoming queen senior year...

But I never had a boyfriend, was never asked out on a date, barely even asked to school dances, and it's possible that 1 boy liked me for a couple weeks my junior year. I had a bus load full of guy friends who saw me as "One of the guys" which for the record NO girl wants to be unless she likes girls. I like boys.

And although I had SO SO much going for me in high school I wanted to be THAT GIRL. You know the one. The one who all the guys wanted, who they all talked about when they were with each other, the one they all scrambled to ask to the dance. The one who all the girls wanted to be.

I thought that being pretty would do all that for me.

I just needed a new set of eyes.

When I went to college I became THAT GIRL. (If only for a season.) And I realized it wasn't my looks. But I'd become a different, confident person, which made me feel pretty.

So when I have these thoughts now, about how I wish they could see me now. It's only because I know that who I am now is irresistible to them! And I kinda want to SHOVE that in their faces!

A mean thought, but I'm sure God agrees. And with the modern day internet this IS possible haha!!

And for the record...I'm glad I didn't waste my hottness in High School. It has so much more use now!

Slapped by Digital Relationships

2009-10-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

There are many things that really bother me (yes, you read that right. I get annoyed easily.) And during this weekend one of them showed up with a vengeance.

The annoyance this weekend comes from fellow bloggers and social media sights where people put their entire relationship of display for the entire world to see. Now in all honesty I don't hate that people do that. I read those posts faster than Paris Hilton throws away a dollar bill. I love that ish!

My problem is that all these girls make me feel super crappy about my relationship with my boyfriend! Only because the only pictures and stories these girls, and sometimes guys, show and tell are the awesome romantic extravaganza's they go on with their significant other, linked to pictures of them kissing and smiling and cuddling under the sunset. Day after day after day posting how much in love they are with their boy/girlfriend.

Now let's be clear. My boyfriend is phenomenal, he's smart, talented, focused, fiercely loyal, trustworthy, considerate, and gorgeous on top of it, and there's no one else I'd rather be with, but come on he's human and so am I. We don't go on amazing adventures every weekend, take cute pictures at every event we go too, or post lovey dovey comments on each others facebook page for the world to see. Sometimes we don't even call each other for a couple days, we do boring things most of the time and even disagree with each other.

Which I think is normal, but when I double click on Google Chrome and start to read about everyone else's delightful days in relationship paradise it feels like a digital slap in the face and now my relationship feels inadequate. All based on relationships between people I've never seen!!!

And what get's on my nerves even more is that these same people that post all this stuff are the ones saying "I am 100% "me" every time my fingers hit the key board. What you read online about me is exactly what goes on in my real life." BULL*&^# and whatever.

Yea that might be true if you didn't edit yourself with a pen made of Pride and Ego. All of the bad stuff gets conquered by "delete" before you publish anything, and end up making people like me get all depressed.

I wish I could be more upset with people like this but like I said I can't take my eyes off of it. And if people didn't post all the sappy crap what would I aspire too?

I would love to make the world jealous of my life, but that's too hard of a task to maintain. I just wish people would be more forthright and real about their relationships. Because leaving out all the dirt is really discouraging and uninspiring.

So here's to more dirt! With God, and definitely the internet, this is possible!

Head First and Blind

2009-10-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

Better news, better news. Today is not the day to be cynical. It's Sunday for crying out loud! By law I'm suppose to rest and be positive! Well it's not actually Sunday anymore, I've just left this screen open on my desk top for 3 days now...

Seems to me that I'm jumping head first and hoping the net appears, or at least a substantial body of water, or trampoline, so that it won't hurt too bad when I hit the bottom upon landing. Since I've turned down the job offer from Nordstrom, I've found inspiration holding hands with my potential while driving down highway 101.

Because, Dun dun nuh nuhhhhh...I'm starting my own business! WHAT! I know I know! Loud, little, halfrican girls are suppose to sit around trying to figure out how to tame their hair with man made products, not start a business while living at home with mom and dad. But I dare to break the mold =)

I finally decided that my multi thousand dollar Fashion Design BS Degree will go to waste no longer. And all of those future dollars I will use to pay off my loan debt, (that I accrued to get that degree,) will be earned by what I learned in the process of spending all that money! Fashion Design! Well not completely fashion, but at least the tote bag part of fashion...

I am going to make bags!

Imagine the "joy" on my parents faces when I told them that's why I respectfully declined my job offer...

HAHAHA! Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I think my purpose on earth is to make you nervous.

Well I am really excited about it, and I've got my over achieving sister on board with me to help me with the business end of things (when there is a business end to things) and my dreamy boyfriend is almost convinced that he wants to build me a website.

My mama even offered to help me sew, but when I told her she'd have to sew in straight lines, because people will have to trade their money for these bags, she looked at me helplessly, then said excitedly "Not being good at things makes life really easy!" In other words, she's glad that she can't sew a straight line because now she doesn't have to help me. Yay for her! (There really needs to be a sarcasm font.)

Anyway, I'm setting out to be the most successful company making handmade, one of a kind, tote bags for all of the world...With God (& the internet) this has got to be possible!

Battling Difference

2009-09-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not writing on my computer. I'm not using my trusty Artist Edition laptop with the funky designs on the outside that makes me feel creative. I'm not in "my" room. And I don't like how the keys on this keyboard are raised so high that my fingers are scared of getting a severe cramp.

This is my metaphorical way of saying that I'm not good with new experiences/change/different. Ironically one of my top strengths is Adaptibility. I can't adapt to small changes. Major changes I can handle; Fire=a few fake tears and I'm over it; Abrupt move across the country=2 distracting jobs and I don't miss a thing; Being a lease holder to an apartment with a stream of flaky roommates=calmed down with a prayer.

On the other hand, not being able to find my black boots in my boxes=STRESSED, choosing a place to meet an old friend to eat=STRESSED, typing on a new key board=STRESSED.

I even went on my first job interview since I've been back in California. I got the job. Don't want the job. Don't want to work. Don't know what I want to do. Don't want to decline the job offer, because who does this in this economy? Aren't we all scrambling to stay employed? Isn't there an influx of overqualified candidates for entry level jobs? I might be crazy. Well I am crazy, I've always known that. I just can't figure out how to deal with it.

I want to start my own business but I can't because it's scary. I'm thinking of hiring a personal hand holder to guide me through everything in life that makes me anxious or nervous. Someone to encourage me when I have an idea for something and don't know what steps to take next. I need to hire someone to pat my head like a puppy and say "Shhhhh..." when I start to freak out over something silly, or sit next to me and sympathetically stare at me when my fingers start to cramp when I'm using high keyboard keys.

And I'd even give them a nice little bonus if that hand holder would look me in the eye and tell me, taking risks IN life is great and that I'm doing a good job at that, but that it wouldn't hurt to take a few risks in MY life.

Well, it makes sense to me.

I've called myself a risk taker in the past mainly because I didn't think very often, and when I did it was about fairy's, handsome prince's with horses and babies. Somewhere along the line someone convinced me to start thinking and now I'm scared of everything.

But I'll get back to those days when high keys won't make my pretty little fingers tremble, because with God (and the internet) all things are possible.

Re-Uniting with my Potential

2009-09-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

I don't have the lack of talent problem. I'm one of the lucky ones who's been blessed with the ability to do and love doing many many things. That's one of the perks of living in my world. There isn't much that intimidates me and there isn't much that I am unable to do.

That is my problem.

I've spent 26 years now as the girl with so much POTENTIAL! I've heard from numerous people throughout my life tell me "Punky, I can't wait to see where you end up." or "You're the person who I'd really like to catch up with in 10 years to see what you are doing and where you are." Because they all saw this showstopper waiting to burst onto the scene once the real world became my play ground.

Ironically I was waiting to burst onto the scene too. Except I had the "one day" syndrome. You know the one. Like: One day I am going to have an AMAZING job. One day I am going to be a singer. One day I am going to have a job where I have to wear heels. One day I will win a Grammy and cry during my acceptance speech, while I thank God and my good friends and inspiration Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey...One day. That'll be a great day!

It never occured to me that to get to that day I had to actually DO something to get there! I just figured my potential would hop on a plane and catch up to me and Poof I'd be set. My potential must've tried to find me at one point, but got frusterated along the way when I kept moving around from job to job! Probably between 2005-2008. It was a busy time =)

So now I'm at the point where I need to sit down with my Po* and have a conversation about traveling together in the future. I think we'd be a good team and could "potentially" make a positive footprint on this side of eternity.

But considering the neglect I've shown her the past few years it will take some coaxing to get Po back on my team. Who knew Po had feelings? Or a busy schedule for that matter!

So that's my quest for the week. But I believe me and Po will reunite in the end and create something this world has never imagined, because I have God and the Internet on my side! And with those ALL things are possible!

*I got tired of writing "Potential" so I gave her a new name. I hope that didn't confuse you!

Coming Back Full Circle--Homeless in SF

2009-08-31T18:36:00.001-07:00

This week I am a 26 year old, full time, live in nanny.

Next week I will be a hip New Yorker, hitting the corner deli for a hot cajun turkey sub, with pepperjack, on a hero.

The week after that I will be homeless in San Francisco...again. That city just seems to bring the homeless out of me.

The last time I lived there I left with literally NOTHING.

It was my Super Senior year in college. 5 years of hard work and the ups and downs that many college students have to endure. Being independent, living on your own for the first time, breaking away from the parents, having your sports team cut during budget cuts because California (the WORLD'S 5th largest economy) can't manage their money, and neither can your University, and testing the waters of your first serious relationship with the cute boy from the wrestling team after very little success with every other sports team...Sorry, digressing is in my nature.

It's April of 2006, 2 months until graduation which means final deadlines are coming up. I am the head of 4 major Pass or Fail class projects that are all imperitive to my getting a degree, an end of the year fashion show which I have entered a swimwear line and individual look (my caution and danger tape outfit I spoke of in the first blog.) My parent's had just left for South Africa because my mother was playing in the Tennis World Cup, and Easter was right around the corner.

And much to my surprise after coming home from my churches Easter musical I find my house BURNED down...

Apparently there was an electical malfunction in my room that the arson report deems as "not my fault" in so many words, that left my room in ashes, every appliance in the kitchen melted, major smoke damage done to my roommates things, and the incredibly putrid stench that lingered around the property for weeks. Not to mention that the heavenly Chicken Enchiladas I had made before we left were totally fried. Need I say that I had nothing left?

The night it happened my not yet boyfriend was with me and seemed a little more shaken up about it than I was. And with my parents out of the country for the first time in my life, my sister not answering her phone, and my best friend thinking that she was dreaming when I told her, I settled on calling my sisters ex-boyfriend from high school, 12 years her ex. Who couldn't actually do anything for me, but I wanted somebody to care. So I slept at my friend Shannon's house and all we could do was laugh about all the stuff that BURNED! Not PC I know but what could I do. My life was literally in ashes.

All 4 of the projects I was leading were on my toasted computer. My entire swimwear line for the fashion show, which was in two weeks, was completely destroyed, along with my brand new barely used sewing machine. As well as a few projects I couldn't get myself to start from scratch and do all over again, so instead of turning in nothing I turned in pictures of my fire and labeled those parts of my scorched room where the semester long projects used to lie. My teachers were sympathetic, Thank God, and one even told me that was the best excuse they'd heard in 25 years of teaching. Sweet.

So for 2 months I had no where to go and a lot of work to do in order to graduate. I remember one time I was in my car (which had turned into my mobile home) I had to go to the bathroom really bad and didn't know what to do. I had no home to go to and couldn't find parking at school, so I drove to a near by mall to use the restroom inside...

This was the last time I lived in San Francisco. Leaving there was the easiest move of my life to say the least. I only had myself, and some clothes that some friends had donated to me after they found out about my latest adventure with destruction.

So although I am coming back with more than a suitcase I am still coming back almost the way I left. Jobless, homeless, and with a degree I should put to use...

I guess life really does come full circle. At least this time I have a hot ex-wrestling turned aifcraft engineer boyfriend to keep me company =D

With God and the internet I can find a job and a home?!

Cover Letter screams HIRE ME!!!

2009-08-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

You know what stinks about Cover Letters or Letters of "Interest?" You can't be honest. This is what I wish I could write in my cover letters.

Dear Company,

Hire me. I need a damn JOB!

Best

Punky

Instead I have to be all cordial and formal. And if they are human they probably don't read them all anyway. And if they do their jobs like the rest of America, the only thing they'd really need to have to know if I am qualified or not is a picture. Preferably one head shot and one full body. Thanks.

Dear Company,

I'm qualified for the position your hiring for. But I'd rather not get into it right now because I have to apply to 10 other jobs today if I want to get hired by Christmas.

Thanks for you time,

Punky

Personally my resume makes me look like an idiot. I started working when I was 14 and have had every job under the sun. Happy Hollow Kids Park and Zoo, American Eagle, SFSU Assistant Spirit Coordinator, Tennis Teacher, Intern for Goorin Bros, Chelsea Piers "Youth Sports Director", High end Boutique-Retail, Family Assistant, Nanny, Gymnastics Instructor, Birthday Party Coordinator, oh yeah and I was a Fashion major who wants to be a Singer and a Writer...Which is why I'm applying to be a Pole Dancing Instructor at your studio...

Dear Company,

You'd be a fool to pass me up! Every place I've held a job still keeps me on payroll in hopes that I'll come back. When I walk into work the temperature changes and the world becomes a much happier place. I encourage my co-workers to not be lazy, sneaky losers and to stop checking their facebook during work hours while I effectively mulit-task. Why wouldn't you want me to work for you?

We'll be in touch!

Punky

My sister on the other hand was sent to this earth to get any job she wanted. A principle once told my parents that when she walks in the room you feel like you need to "stand at attention and salute." Which is nothing short of the absolute truth. She can talk to anyone from the President of the United States to the Garbage man and get whatever she wants from them. (I still don't understand where all of those genes were hiding when it was my turn to choose. And I will wonder until the day I meet Jesus.) Her cover letter should say (and what I wish mine meant)...

Dear Company,

I'm phenomenal at everything I do. I am the perfect wife and mother and anything I touch in your company will turn to GOLD. You will promote me in the midst of the worst economic hardship you will see in your lifetime and will lay some workers off in order to do it. Because without me what will you be? Yes, I'm that good. Don't question me because you'll be sorry that you did. As a general rule, I'm always right.

Yours,

Punky's Sister

I think it's time I think about opening my own business...

Because with God and a little help from the internet, even a successful Punky is possible...right?

I used to WHINE about success

2009-08-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

There was a time (about a half an hour ago) where I used to get very bitter about being 25 and not doing what I wanted with my life. I've always known what I wanted to do, but I'm quite the dreamer and my ambitions were never to be a teacher, counselor, criminal or any of those other attainable jobs that other kids dream about.

I wanted to be a SINGER, WRITER and MOTHER! Well the last one is easy with the help of a broken condom, missed birth control, and a willing, or unknowing, partner. (Don't worry I would never do that, I'm the sweet little Christian conservative girl that you pray your daughter would end up like.) I was never concerned about that one, or rushed for that matter. It was the first two that depressed me to no end.

I must've blanked before college because for reasons I still struggle to justify, I chose to be a fashion design major. No, I don't regret my decision. I just wonder why no one thought that that was weird and told me:

"Punky. You're suppose to major in something that you want a career in. Not something you just want to learn how to do."

In my defense I was really good. I awarded myself 'The most innovative' and 'biggest risk taker' in class. Due to the fact that my senior year I ran out of money still had to eat and pay rent and had no money to buy fabric for my final. So I called up my buddy and had him bring me some old t-shirts so I could make the gauchos and sweater I'd created a pattern for out of them. I didn't only earn my own accolades, I did win the "Most Creative" award for a little get up I made out of Caution tape, Danger tape and Duct tape. And was known for making shorts reminiscent of underwear...

But I spent my entire childhood addicted to my karaoke machine and filling up journal after journal. By the time I hit college I had over 14 journals, hundreds of poems and songs, and scrap paper, receipts, napkins anything you could write on, filled with words. Sometimes I'm blind to the obvious.

After college now armed with my "Bachelor of Science in Apparel Design and Merchandising" (Yes, it is considered a Science at SFSU. Don't bring it up to my Electrical Engineering boyfriend who got a Bachelor of Arts degree. 3 years later he still can't come to terms with it. I digress)

Anyhow, now armed with my new fashion degree, the only jobs I wanted to apply for were writing jobs or somewhere in the non fashion entertainment world. Music. But I didn't qualify for any jobs like that with a fashion degree.

Now 3 years out of college and anywhere from 7-10 unsatisfying jobs later the LIGHTBULB went on!

Eff getting paid to sing and write. I can do all of that via the internet. No editors, No record labels, No creative boundaries...

No money either...

But that's not what it's about anyway. Right? =)

So tonight as I got out of the shower I decided it was time to do what I've always wanted to do. Sing and Write.

If you enjoy please stay and read. If not...Tell someone how you read this awful blog and that they should read it too so you can both talk about how painful it was to get to the end =)

Until my next urg to pound the keys...

Remember With God and a little help from the internet ALL things are possible!

Punky